Starting Third Year

As some of you know, a few Tuesdays ago I moved back to Carmarthen to start my final year as an Acting student at UWTSD. I don't actually start back until the 3rd October but I am so excited and slightly apprehensive to get started. For the last two years I've looked up to the third years and been amazed at what they created, they've always been something to aspire and work towards and now that's going to be me. I literally cannot believe it. It's like being in Year Six again and feeling quite grown up and almost in charge. I feel like I have this responsibility and knowledge that I've gained from being here and that they're going look up to me to know all about the course and give them the best advice. I feel like I do have a duty to help the lower years. I don't know, maybe that's just me. 

Starting third year is also like an end of an era. I've been going to my last ever Freshers this week and I can't believe I'm not going to be coming back next year. Wales has literally become a second home to me, and my house and housemates are more like family than anything else. It's just weird to think next year I'm going to have to be a proper adult and find a proper job. It reminds me of what we spoke about in Absurd last year, having a feeling of anomie, just feeling completely out of place and confused about what you want to do with life. Yeah, I have a feeling that will be what it's like next year. 

I've just finished having a meeting with the whole of the third year for Performing Arts and I have to say I am so excited to get started. It seems like there is going to be a lot of stress and a lot of hard work, but I think with all the work I've done this summer on focusing on my mental health and working on myself, I should be okay. There will be a few bumps along the way which is fine, but I think I've got this. I think I'm set.

I have also made three new best friends for life in the three Canadian boys that have joined us for the year. Meet, Logan, Sean and Jace, the most amazing three men I've ever met. I've only known them a couple of weeks but I love them so much and have such a connection with them already that I can tell we will always be in touch. Gee and I have been their mini tour guides and have been helping with them settling in and stuff. We took the three of them on a little adventure to Llansteffan which is like a beach and then a cool castle and we had so much fun. They also managed to take some really awesome pictures of me and Gee holding hands looking out over the bay my favourite of which is included in this blog.

We've gone and had hangover McDonalds, we've got so drunk together and just really enjoyed each others company. I think I can speak for me and Gee when I say that we are so glad to have met them. They've literally brightened up my life and I feel so lucky to have met them and have them in my life. I am so incredibly happy when I'm around them and I constantly smile and laugh, which is so amazing. You don't find that very often and I'm so blessed that I did.

It's super exciting because there is going to be so much going on for me in the next year and it's going to go by so fast, but I am so excited to get started. I've already got four plays out from the library which I'm going to read and I'll find out which touring show I will be in next Friday.

I'm going to apologise in advance because my blogs will probably be a lot less this year, I think what I'm going to do instead is do one blog a week while I'm at uni and busy and then I'll do two again when I'm back home. So, I'm looking forward to a new year at uni, and I'm so happy and healthy in my mind. Which is so great, I hope all of you going back to work or to uni are the same. We can do this! I've said to Gee that I want to make this year the best possible year ever, and that's exactly what we're going to do. I hope you guys aim to do the same. 

Stay awesome.

A Look Back On My Summer

So it's safe to say this has been an absolutely insane summer for me. Pretty normal compared to my other friends summers but still insane for me, both in terms of personal life and work life. This being said I thought it would be a good idea to have a look back on this summer before I start my final year of university and think about things I would have done differently or things that I'm really proud of doing this summer. 

Coming into this summer I wanted to steer clear of relationships or dating anyone. I'd just broken up with someone I really cared about, and stopped seeing this guy that I also cared a great deal about but messed it up. I felt like I needed to stop the whole dating scene and focus on myself. Yeah... that didn't go too well. I mean, I only really dated one person who majorly messed me about twice, first by effectively cheating on me with a work colleague and the other by having a massive go at me for no reason. I have tried to close myself off from love as much as possible. There have been people I've really fancied and wanted to go on dates with but I've refrained from doing so. I've been so closed off to love because I was so scared of being hurt again and I kind of just wanted to focus on myself and not worry about what someone else was thinking or doing. It's my first summer in about three years where I have been single so it's been interesting to say the least. I've been happy single though, for the first time in a long time. I have really enjoyed being single. A new miracle for myself which I am actually quite proud of. I guess we'll have to see what happens when I get back but I'm not looking for anything, just seeing how things go as such.

This summer has been an interesting one in terms of work, I found out in the second month of being home that there weren't going to be that many shifts going around at my tutoring job and because of this I needed to get a new job. I looked around at a bunch of different places, applied to a few and the first one that  got back to me was Guildford Spectrum doing a coaching job for a kids club. Perfect for me and I have to say I've really extended my skill set by taking the job. I've been trained in so many different things that I never would have been trained in previously and I feel like I took to the job like a duck to water. It took me a couple of shifts to get into the swing of things but I really enjoyed the time I spent there and the children that I met. I was constantly praised for working so hard and being really good at my job which made me feel awesome. I was so worried beforehand about not fitting in or not doing good enough and I feel like I proved myself wrong and I showed that I could do something brand new and be actually quite good at it as well.

I would say that I massively swamped myself with work though. Especially the last few months of the summer. I ended up working three jobs at one time which was a major strain on me. I would pretty much work a 6-7 day week depending on my schedule. I would come home from one job, either my tutoring job or coaching and then jump straight into my student ambassador job meaning I would work more than 8 hours each day. When I did have time off I was online doing work for the university. I'm not complaining about it at all, this summer has given me an amazing opportunity to grow and develop, but I feel like I did take far too much on and overworked myself to a certain extent. I haven't really had a proper break or a time where I've sat around and done nothing. That's what I'm going to be doing for the first few weeks back at uni before Freshers starts. At least I know I've earned a lot of money and had fun (most of the time) while doing it.

I have been finding it really hard to be back home the last month or so. I feel like I've got a little taste of freedom by living by myself at uni and learning how to look after myself. I feel almost like that all goes away when I come back home and I lose all the freedom and independence that I had while I was in Wales. I hate having to tell my mum where I'm going or what I'm doing, when I'll be back and if I want dinner. I kind of want to just come and go as I please and not worry too much about other people's plans. I try to keep myself to myself and steer clear of everyone as much as I can, but it's not always possible which is annoying. Sometimes I just want my own space but I can't really have it. No one knocks before coming into my room, they just barge in. This summer has made me want to move out more than ever. I feel like it's time for me to be more independent and I can't imagine living with my mum and my brother when I come back after summer. I want to leave as soon as possible.

I have had a really good summer in terms of hanging out with friends and making new ones. I haven't had as much time as I have had previously to hang out with my friends but it means that the time I do manage to hang out and see them is so much more precious. I've narrowed down my friendship group to only those who I really care about and want to see, and I know those friends really care and want to see me too, which is always lush. We all have such different schedules but we manage to fit each other in and I've had such an amazing time hanging out with them this summer.

I go back to uni in a couple of days and I have to say I cannot wait. I'm so ready to have my own space again and get back into studying. I've really missed Wales and all of my acting family. They all mean so much to me and I cannot wait to see them all again. It's been a long time coming.

I would also like to take a moment to remember those who were tragically killed in 9/11. It may be fifteen years on but the victims deaths will never be forgotten, nor will the sacrifices of the emergency services involved in dealing with this tragedy. I was only five when this horrific incident occurred and it is something that has stuck in my memory forever, the whispers of the teachers in schools, the gasps and hands over their mouths. We are still at war with terror and who knows if we will ever win, but those people who lost their lives will never be forgotten.

Stay awesome. 

My Struggle With My Body Image

I have written a few blogs about body image and being more accepting of all body types as long as you're healthy and happy. I haven't really discussed in great detail the struggle I've had with my body image and the things that I've gone through in order to gain what I thought was perfection. Now, I'm going to preface this with the fact that I've never had an eating disorder and I'm not claiming to, I do however have a touch of body dysmorphia which pretty much everyone has. Body dysmorphia is linked to anxiety and causes you to have a really distorted view of yourself and your body. It effects people in a lot of different ways and in my case it effects how I see my weight and size of my body. Everyone suffers with it to a certain degree, but in some cases it's more extreme than others. Mine isn't so bad that it effects my life day to day, but it does make me have a very negative view of myself.

I guess it's important to start right at the beginning. I was a fat baby. I was one of those babies that had rings around their arms and legs because I was so chubby. It was nothing to do with what my mum fed me or anything like that, I was just super chubby. My family have always called me the Michelin Man baby, which probably has had some affect on how I see myself now. When I was in primary school, I did notice that other girls were thinner than me and my legs were bigger, but it wasn't something I majorly thought about and worried about. I knew I was larger than most of the girls in my class, but I wouldn't say I was overweight, I was just conscious of my size, but not to the point I wanted to change anything about it. 

The turning point for me was in secondary school. I think everyone has this moment if they don't quite fit in, that you realise so many other girls are prettier and thinner than you, and these girls are the ones who are popular and getting all the attention from the boys. I wasn't one of those girls. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable. My only solace was that I was in the higher set in PE so I felt like I was above some other people in terms of fitness. I was a lot thinner than I am right now because of the amount of exercise I did per week. I really started to obsess over my weight and how I looked during year 10-11.

I started dating this boy who was a lot thinner than me and I felt like I was the fat one in the relationship. This was also when my problems with depression really snuck up on me and I wanted to be thinner. It wasn't that I had an eating disorder because I was never diagnosed with one, but I did really limit my food intake and sometimes didn't really eat at all. I wanted to be thinner and wanted him to fancy me when we broke up. I have this one particular picture of me in a white dress with my friend Laura when I was in year 11. I may not look traditionally thin in it, but for me... I was at a dangerous level of weight and if I carried on losing it, there would have been a real problem in terms of my health. Looking at it now, I know how thin I was for me, I didn't really have my curves that I usually had, my legs were so much thinner than usual, and my collar bones were so prominent. Again, I wasn't at a stage where it was unhealthy for me, but I did have bad eating habits and intentionally didn't eat because I felt like I shouldn't.

I remember being on holiday with my friends in Padstow for our end of Year 11 trip and feeling like I was so much bigger than all of them. It was the first time I ever felt comfortable to wear a bikini, before that I had always worn a swimming costume because I felt like I was far too fat for anything else. I still felt a little like a beached whale whenever I was around my friends but I did have that tiny bit of confidence to actually wear it. I remember a picture being taken of me and Laura in our bikini and put up on Facebook. I was so worried that people would look at it and think I looked like a killer whale or an elephant.  Now I couldn't really give a damn about if I was too fat to wear anything or what other people think of my body.

I feel like as my depression improved, so did my relationship with food. I was far more comfortable to eat full meals and not worry too much about what I was putting in my body. I still knew I was bigger than most people but nothing too bad that I didn't like myself. Sixth Form for me was a time when I was actually really happy with my size. I didn't feel too heavy or like I needed to lose a lot of weight. I felt content in where I was with my body, I felt so much more comfortable to wear tight fitting clothing and show off my curves. I feel like Sixth Form was a really good place for me in terms of my feelings towards my body.

However, when I got to uni I really developed an unhealthy relationship with food and gained three whole stone. I think it was partly down to me being in a relationship and him being a massive eater that this happened. We would eat McDonalds every Sunday for dinner, eat Dominos at least once and week and we would also eat such bad food and I would barely exercise. What made me realise I needed to change was that I no longer fit into size 12 jeans anymore, I had to wear size 14 or 16. Which for me, was something I never wanted, I've always been a 12-10, and in my smaller times 10-8 so the idea that I had gained so much weight and was so unhealthy really hit me hard. It made me kick myself back into gear and lose the unhealthy weight I gained through bad eating.

I went on a diet called the 5/2 diet and began to detox. I managed to lose a stone in a month due to the 5/2 and doing a tea detox called Bootea. I think the 5/2 really contributed to my weight loss, but it was so unhealthy for me. Basically two times a week I would only eat 500 calories, which is insane! And although it really helped me drop the pounds it is not something I would EVER recommend. Only eating 500 calories a day is not healthy at all, yeah it helped me lose weight but I would get so lightheaded because I hadn't eaten anything. I remember going shopping with my friends and feeling like I was going to faint so I went home and had literally something so small and stupid. I think it was a fat free yogurt which was like 60 calories.  The Bootea stuff is something I would recommend as long as you eat a really healthy diet while you're doing it and detox from all the bad stuff you can eat. I've done three detoxes and I will be doing another one after Freshers fortnight at uni. I actually really enjoy doing them and think the tea tastes really good. It's just a shame how much you do need to go to the toilet when you're on it.

So, here I am now, about to start my third year of university. My body confidence has probably been the highest it ever has been and that's why I'm going to do something I didn't think I would ever do. I do think it shows how far I've come and how willing I am to be open and honest about my body struggles. If you like don't underwear then click away now, but to me, I'm just wearing a bikini so it doesn't really bother me that I'm doing this. Here are two pictures of me, today, in my underwear. I'm not breathing in, I'm not trying to hide my wobbly bits or the fact that my stomach isn't flat I'm just showing you what I look like au naturel. I literally took these this morning as soon as I got up, please excuse the fact that my bra and pants don't match.

 So for me, I so still have a bit of a way to go to lose all the weight I wanted to, and over the Summer I have put on a bit of weight that I'm going to asses when I get back to uni. When I started trying to lose weight and be healthy at the start of second year I weighed 12st and 3lbs. The last time I weight myself, I was 9st 6lbs, so I've lost nearly 3st. However, I probably have put back on about half a stone so I have one stone left until I reach my goal weight and where I feel my body is at it's healthiest.











I have really struggled over the years with my body image and my weight, I feel like now I'm in such a good place with it all and I feel so confident within myself. I am not super thin, like I wanted to be when I was 15, I feel like I am curvy, and I do have lumps and bumps as well as a lot of bits the wiggle and jiggle. but I am healthy. I eat well, I don't binge or prevent myself from eating. I'm more at peace with my weight and with my body shape. My Nan has said to me for a long time that the sooner you love your body the happier you will be and that's completely true. There are still days where I look in the mirror and I'm not happy, but those days are few and far between. So for now, I'm happy. I still have a little way to go, but for now, this is me, and this is where I'm happy.

Stay awesome. 

Overcoming Anxiety

I overcame one of my massive problems with anxiety the other day and I thought I should write a little blog post on how I did it, some of the techniques I used to calm my anxiety and and tips and tricks I would recommend to anyone in trying to overcome an anxiety they are suffering with.

This anxiety thing is a little weird at first, but hear me out, I am terrified and so anxious to go to the optician. I've always been quite anxious to go to any sort of appointment, mainly because I'm quite scared of getting a man doing whatever it is that I'm going for the appointment for. But the last time I went to the optician was when I was about 15 in 2011, so almost five years ago and I literally had the worst appointment ever.

I went to a Vision Express in the local town where I used to get counselling from and I got a man doing my eye test. My anxiety was already not doing and then came the actual test. I had an older man doing it which already made me feel super uncomfortable and hating my life. He just seemed so bored and didn't really show any interest, he didn't make me feel welcome or comfortable at all. It was literally the worst experience I've had with this sort of thing. He switched the lenses so quickly that I had no idea which one was better for my eyes and I didn't feel able to speak up about it in case he got angry at me. So I just guessed which one was better as I literally had no idea, and then he must have done the same one twice and I gave him two different answers so what did he do? He shouted at me and called me a liar who only wanted to get glasses. So I burst into tears and literally ran out of the room. Possibly my worst experience ever when it comes to having appointments.

So for the last five years I've been putting off going to the opticians even though I know I really should. Over the last few years I've noticed that my eyesight has got progressively worse, I knew I needed glasses but was far too scared to actually go and get my eyes tested because of my previous experience. I also was far too nervous to go into the shop and book an appointment and so I'd gone a least a couple of years knowing there was something wrong with my eyesight and not doing anything about it due to my anxiety. I would be driving and couldn't see the signs very well or I would walk down a street and not be able to properly see people's faces. I knew there was something wrong that needed to be fixed but I literally could not overcome the anxiety created from my last appointment.

I attempted to go twice before my mum finally booked me an appointment in a Specsavers near where I work and let me just tell you, I was a complete bag of nerves. There was this man there that I was terrified of, he seemed to be consulting people on what glasses to get and I hoped and prayed I wouldn't get him. I had my initial test where you look at a balloon and they take a picture of your eye which was done by a man, which I wasn't too freaked out about. Then came time for the second test, a woman called me into the room and I immediately felt so much more comfortable. She just had this really warm aurora about her and was very friendly and chatty. The complete opposite of the guy that I saw last time.

She just made me feel super comfortable and when I was unsure of something she would ask if I would like to have a look at it again and would do it until I was sure. I couldn't have asked for a better experience with it all. After the half an hour test she told me I did need glasses. Shock, horror, well, I knew I needed them anyway. I'm just glad she realised that too. I have a very mild prescription but it's nice to know that my worries about my eyesight were justified and not just me being super worried and anxious about it all.

But anyway, I've had my glasses for about two weeks now and I'm so much happier now that I can see properly. I mainly wear them for driving and work, I try not to wear them all the time as I don't really need to, but I think they suit me.

If I hadn't had got over this massive fear I had about going to the opticians I wouldn't be able to see as well as I do now. I know my mum pushed me into doing it but I really did need to go. Sometimes we have to really step out of our comfort zone and over come the anxiety we feel from certain things. I'm so glad that now I can go back to the opticians and feel so much more comfortable. Now I do have glasses I need to go get my eyes checked every year, which is something I'll be able to do now. I'll still need a little push but it's nice to know that it's something else I can cross of that I'm not as anxious about. It's literally the most amazing feeling ever.

I would say to anyone who wants to overcome something is to BREATHE. I found that I held my breath a lot to start off with and that's what started my anxiety off but when I breathed properly it all seemed so much easier. I also had some play-doh in my pocket to play with and mould when I felt nervous which really helped me. I guess it's finding what works best for you and going with it. If I can do it, I know you guys can!

Stay awesome.  

The Importance of Colouring

I thought I would start of with an apology, I'm so sorry that I didn't post a blog on Wednesday. I was feeling quite overwhelmed and stressed because I have been working myself so hard, so I took a day out to look after myself and my mental health. I felt like writing and editing a blog would push me over the edge of my anxiety which is why it wasn't posted. I have this Wednesday's blog planned so hopefully that will be up on Wednesday but for now lets get into this blog and the importance of colouring. 

I wrote a blog post on what I was putting in my crisis box around April time and something I put in there has been helping me massive amounts. For those who haven't read that blog, a crisis box is a box filled with things that will de-stress you, cheer you up and help you distract from any emotional distress that you're feeling at that current moment in time. It gives you a place to go when you are having a crisis and helps you deal with it, hopefully preventing you from harming yourself or having a panic attack or whatever. 

In my crisis box I put two colouring books, I hadn't coloured properly since I was in primary school. I colour with the kids at work sometimes but it's not really the same as having your own colouring book that you use to de-stress you. The first colouring book I put in was a mindfulness colouring book and then the other one was an animal one. I'll put the links of the colouring books on Amazon at the end of this blog so you can see them and purchase them if you want to. When I put them in I didn't really think I would use them at all, colouring isn't really my thing and I didn't get really excited when the hype of adult colouring books happened. I just thought they'd be in there and I would use them occasionally, and I did over the course of the last term of uni. I found myself playing with other things in my crisis box and I really only coloured one page in my mindfulness colouring book over the course of a couple of months.

However, since being home and literally being so busy I've found myself using colouring to calm myself down even more. After a long day at work, or working a 15 hour day I love cuddling up in bed with my colouring book and having a Disney film on in the background. It helps me unwind so much and allows me to feel completely stress free. I never thought it would be something that I would want to do or enjoy doing but I find it so satisfying experimenting with colour and finishing off a colouring page. I like too turn the dull white into something bright and full of colour, it's just so satisfying looking at where you started to where you came. And you literally can choose any colour you want, there is no right or wrong answer which is something I really, really love. 

I really find it hard to unwind and switch off. When I'm not doing work I feel like I'm being unproductive or lazy, I feel like I have to be doing something 24/7 and so using the colouring books helped me with the ability to switch off and realise it's okay to take a break every so often. 

Don't take my word for it though, there's actually been a load of research into colouring and the benefits of it in adults, not just in children so I thought I would share a few of them with you. I find this sort of stuff fascinating so thought I might as well include it. Colouring helps you brain to focus because of course, making sure you stay in the lines takes a lot of focus, but not so much that it causes stress in the brain, it allows you to forget your worries, and colouring trains you to put all the negative stuff aside and focus on just colouring for the time you spend doing it. Colouring also allows the fear part of your brain to relax, which in turn relaxes you. Colouring is almost like meditating and it can help you retrain your brain to react less harshly to stress when it does occur in your life. So there is just a few examples of why colouring can really help with de-stressing and making you less anxious in life. 

I've really been focusing in on doing colouring over the last few weeks and I try to schedule at least half an hour of colouring in a day, usually in the evening after I've finished all my work. I can honestly say that it's completely helped me with my anxiety and stress levels. So if you're umming and ahhing about starting colouring and you weren't entirely sure about the benefits, just do it! Honestly, it was the best decision I ever made to incoroperate colouring into my life and I don't regret spending a couple of quid on these books and some colouring pencils. It's totally worth it when I feel so calm and clear headed. 

Stay awesome. 

Mindfulness Colouring Book

Animal Colouring Book 

A Family Visit

So this is a different blog post than I would normally write, this one is a bit more diary like with some insights and thoughts about different things that happened during this day. But I had a really awesome time with my Nan and I wanted to write about it. I took her to see my Uncle Mark's grave and some of the stuff that happened in that time really have a profound effect on me and I wanted to share it with you as well.

I've mentioned in my previous FAQ blog that my Nan is one of the most inspirational women in my life and that's because she is so amazing. She's been through hell and back and is still such a strong woman who still gives all the love she can to everyone. One of the things she had to go through is losing her son. 

My Uncle committed suicide at the age of 27, 29 years ago. I never knew him, I only know him through my family. I don't know the exact details surrounding his death and what pushed him to take his own life, I just know that one day he couldn't take it anymore. It's always been a little weird for me because my whole life my Uncle has been referred to, my cousin Mark is even named after him but I obviously never had the chance to meet him or his two sons, Darren and Stephen. My Nan always told me how troubled he was as a boy and how it carried on into his adulthood and eventually lead to his death. Whenever he's mentioned I can see the hurt in my Nan's eyes and in her voice when she talks about him. She had to bury her son, he died before his time and it's something she will never get over. I wish I could take away the pain but I can't. Mark was her son and no one could save him. It's a tragedy really. 

Anyway, it's coming up to his birthday this month, I believe he would his 56th birthday if he was still alive. At Christmas and his birthday my Nan and Aunt, Karen, like to go to his grave to pay their respects and put new fabric flowers down on his grave. I've never been before and my Nan asked me to take her and Karen down to do this. They only go a couple of times because the taxi down there is so expensive for them both. I was a bit nervous at first because obviously I've never been and I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if my Nan would cry or if the cemetery would be very morbid and depressing, what happened there was not something I ever thought would happen.

Mark's grave is in Aylesham on top of a massive hill, kinda in the middle of no where. We walked around to his grave and to get to his actual stone we had to walk on some grass. My Nan recently had a nasty fall so she's really quite worried about falling over again, so she asked to hold my hand for support. I haven't held my Nan's hand like that in around 15 years. We hug and we kiss and stuff like that but I haven't held her hand like that in such a long time. It really struck me how comfortable and natural it felt. I haven't really held a family members hand like that for ages, I've held boyfriends and friends hands like that but not a relative. I just couldn't help notice the difference between holding her hand versus holding a boyfriend or friends hand. I felt so incredibly safe and I became quite overwhelmed with emotion.

The feeling of holding my Nan's hand is something that I can hardly describe, but I felt so safe and as though nothing could ever hurt me. It was so wonderful to be able to do it when I am 20 and not a kid. I feel like I appreciated the closeness and intimacy of it a lot more than I ever have done before. I felt almost like I had taken those times that I held her hand for granted when I was a child. My Nan means the world to me and to be able to hold her hands again like I was a kid felt so amazing. I've held kids hands at work and lead them around so I know what it's like to be the safety figure and the comfort for them but for me to go back into the role of a child and feel the comfort from my Nan was incredible. It was so special and I will never ever forget that feeling. It made me wonder when I decided as a child that I no longer needed to hold her hand or when I felt I was too cool to. As a grandparent and a mother you have to let your kids and grand-kids go almost with the whole holding hand thing is something that interested me. Knowing that you may never hold their hand again like that, I really wonder how that feels from that perspective. I guess I'll find out when I become a parent myself.

We got to my Uncle's grave and I just stood there with my Nan while Karen sorted out the flowers and cleaned the grave stone. I had to hold back the tears. I have never seen my Nan more quiet and sad in my life. She kissed her hand and placed it on the top of the grave then whispered "I'll always love you and never forget you". We only stayed there for about ten minutes before looking around the cemetery but I became just... overwhelmed I guess with all this emotion from holding my Nan's hand and then seeing her so broken and hurt still 29 years on from her sons death. The writing on his grave was beautiful too, I can't remember exactly what it said but it was along the lines of not being able to say goodbye and wishing they were there to hold him with his last breath. It was such a beautiful quote and I wish I could remember it, but I thought it wasn't appropriate to take my phone out and write it down or take a picture of the grave stone.

This visit to the cemetery just made me think so much about things, suicide in particular. There were several times in my life a few years ago, where I tried to end my own life, unsuccessfully, of course. That could have been my mother in 29 years time coming to my grave to place flowers for my birthday. It was 29 years ago and my Nan is still hurting and heartbroken over it all. When you do something as drastic as taking your own life you don't see the path of despair and destruction you leave behind you. It's a very selfish act, and it's so sad that people get to that stage, I know what it's like to be at that stage and you are thinking of no one but yourself. You just want to be free of the torture you are suffering. The one huge thing I took from it was that I was never, ever going to let my Mum go through what my Nan has to go through every single day. My Nan always tells me that she always wonders what life would be like if Mark were still alive and she always misses him. I can't imagine the pain she goes through and I don't want to ever make my mother feel the pain of losing her only daughter.

A bit of a morbid and sad one today I'm afraid, but this small visit had such an effect on me that I just had to talk about it. I probably didn't talk about it in the most coherent way and didn't get everything that I wanted to get out, out, but I said it in the best way I could and I hope you guys get the general gist of what I'm trying to say.

Stay awesome. 

Question and Answer!

If you saw my little note about my blog a few weeks ago you'll know that I asked you guys to send me in some questions for me to answer about my experiences with mental health and anything about me that you want to know! So thank you very much to everyone who asked me questions, there was quite a lot of overlap but here are my answers!

When did you first start to show signs of mental health problems?

Literally from being a baby. I mentioned in my second ever blog post about my anxiety around strangers who are men and this is something that I had forever. My mum always told me that I would cry around strange men and if men held me in particular. It's carried on with me ever since then and I still do have this issue about speaking to men who are strangers and trusting men over women. That's when I first showed any signs of anxiety. Signs of depression came when I was in Year Four, so when I was around seven years old. I had special measures put into place for me at school because sometimes I couldn't cope with the work load or I'd cry, I was allowed to have these little mascots on my table which were comforting for me. The depression was triggered most likely through the divorce of my parents.

How many siblings do you have, do they have any mental health problems?

I have two brothers, a step sister and two step brothers. As far as I'm aware neither of my brothers have any mental health issues. I know my eldest brother has had issues with food before, but really my step sister has the mental health issues. She suffered from an eating disorder and was a prolific self harmer, I haven't spoken to her properly in a long time as she doesn't get on with my step mum so I don't really know how she's doing right now. 

Are you embarrassed about your scars?

Yes. Very. I'm not as embarrassed as I use to be, I use to cover up every part of my body that contained scars that I inflicted on myself, but now I have the confidence to wear shorts or short sleeved tops without being too worried about what people think. The time that I am embarrassed about them the most is when I'm with a new sexual partner. I have words like slut, bitch, whore, fat and die scarred on my legs and it can very often freak them out a little even if they know about my past. I do often worry about how I would tell my kids, if I ever had any, about how and why I got them.

When was the last time you self harmed?

The last time I self harmed was on 28th May, I did a few little cuts and one huge gash on my leg that needed to be stitched up. Joyous times.

Are you in a relationship?

No, I'm not. I don't intend to be for a while. I was seeing someone for a little bit and it didn't exactly go well and I think I just need to take a break from dating and focus on myself.

Who do you look up to the most?

It's got to be my Nan. She is the strongest woman I know and the woman I respect most besides my mother. She's been through a hell of a lot in life and still manages to keep her head up and love us all. She's my last surviving grandparents and I could literally tell her anything. She's so open minded and kind. I hope to be as awesome a mother and grandmother as she is one day.

When was the last time you cried?

This morning because I put the new The 1975 album on to get ready before work and Nana came on and it reminds me of my Nan so I cried like a baby. Sad, but true. Listen to this song! It's so beautiful.

Why did you dye your hair red/When did you dye it red?

The first time I dyed it red was in Feb of 2011 so over five years ago, and I dyed it because I thought it would be cool. I also wanted to look a little like my favourite video game character, Kairi from Kingdom Hearts. Dorky but I don't care, I like the colour for itself now and feel like it suits me so I doubt I would change it anytime soon.

What's the hardest thing you've had to do?

This is a tricky one, but I think breaking up with my boyfriend of over a year, who was abusive towards me. It had been a long time coming and looking back I probably didn't pick the best day to do it. But at the time I just sort of came to the end of my tether and so felt like I had to. I broke up with him the day before we were meant to go out for his one year anniversary present to me, which was to go and see The Lion King in the West End. The reason why this was so hard for me to do was because I had wanted to do it for a long time but felt like I couldn't because of how mentally unstable he was. There were times where I honestly thought he was going to kill me or something like that so I thought if I broke up with him he would do something stupid to either himself or to me. I also wasn't truly prepared to let go of the future we planned together even if I felt like I was trapped. I was scared of being alone and that's probably why I stayed with him as long as I did.

How is your crisis box going?

It's going great! I'm finding having things in there with certain smells is really helping me, especially vanilla smells. I don't know why, but it has helped. I still colour a little now and then, and putting little sweets and stuff in there also really helps me. I also have things that I can use my hands to play with and those are helpful when I want to self harm or whatever. I really recommend making one.

Will you ever make YouTube videos?

I have seriously been considering this for a long time. I've wanted to make videos for ages but have never had to courage to do so. This is like the first step for me in going to do that. I'm still considering it, I would love to but I'm not sure anyone would actually watch my videos.

What video games are you playing right now?

The only thing I'm really playing is Pokemon Go, which I wouldn't really say is a video game. I don't really have time to play the things I use to on actual consoles. But I'm proud of my level 22 on Pokemon Go. I feel like I'm doing pretty well.

What songs can you not stop listening to?

Any songs from The 1975. For a while I couldn't listen to them because they really reminded me of my last ex, but now they don't at all and both of us are happy and have moved on. Which is really awesome and I'm genuinely happy for him. No ill will towards him at all. I was bitter for quite a while but that's all gone now and I wish him every happiness. So I'm now able to listen to my favourite band again. I also have a happy playlist which I like to listen to every so often. All of the songs in my top ten feel good songs blog feature in it.

Okay, I think that's all the questions I'm going to answer for today guys! Thank you so much for sending in your questions and I'm sorry I didn't get through them all. I'll probably do another Q&A in a few months time, but I hope this gives you all a little bit more of an insight into me.

Stay awesome.

Enjoying the Little Things

Over the last few weeks I've been having a really hard time with my mental health. I've started my new job and although I'm really enjoying it and loving every second of it, it means that I'm a lot busier than I use to be. I work 6-7 days a week with my three jobs and the reason why I wanted to be so busy was so that I could keep my mind off some of the things that have been bothering me recently and causing me issues. This did work at the start but now I feel like it's starting to go the other way and I'm beginning to burn the candle at both ends and burn myself out. I thought I was starting to get my life together a little but then I realised, I really wasn't. I was just distracting myself and not really trying to enjoy myself and get better.

What I've learn over the last week I would say is to appreciate the little things in life and enjoy the smaller moments and really savour them. I think that when you do suffer from anxiety and depression it can be difficult to appreciate these moments and overlook them because we're so focused on the negative. I found when I did have time and I wasn't working, I wasn't appreciating the small things and enjoying the little moments that I had with my friends or with my family.

It's so important when you're having a tough time to look at the positives and focus on that rather than the negative stuff going on in the back of your mind. I can often get consumed by the bad thoughts and it doesn't allow me to even have fun and I've realised how important it is to let go and just enjoy yourself. So here are some moments that have made me ridiculously happy and I keep looking back on whenever I'm feeling a bit shit to remind me that I can be happy and not sad or anxious the whole time.

So this is my good friend Miss Caitlyn, I met her through a work friend and for the last two years we have worked together at Explore. I literally love working with her in the centre, she makes me laugh and her being there calms me down a lot when I'm having a bad day. A load of us went to Nandos before training and as per, Caitlyn gets a her ketchup for her chips and burger. So she decided to get the ketchup down from the bottom of the bottle and turns it upside down and wacks it. However, the top of the bottle wasn't on properly and she got a lot of ketchup all over the table as well as her phone. I laughed so hard a bit of snot came out of my nose. She's an awesome friend and always there to listen to me, she's got my back no matter what.

Meet Dylan, he's a baby and started working where I work about two months ago and oh my god, I am so glad he did. He is legit the funniest guy I've ever met and such an awesome friend. He's sitting on a booster seat in this photo because he's only just turned 17 and we thought it was hilarious at the time. Again, he makes work so funny sometimes, like the other day he grabbed my leg while he was sitting down and both of us ended up falling over. He's like my little brother and I love spending time with him. He can be so annoying sometimes but most of the time he is actually pretty funny and full of the banter, even if he does spend £100 on shoes that aren't even that nice. I've just had some really awesome and hilarious moments with him over the past month or so and I'm glad he's been there for me. He's like the little brother I never had and he's the best. He has featured in a lot of my Snapchat stories recently, he's alright I guess.

For those of you who don't know, I'm also a social media ambassador for my university, UWTSD. I write blogs and promote the university on my professional Twitter account. A month or so ago I was asked by one of the staff members if they could feature one of my blogs  in a paper. I said yes of course and kinda forgot about it for a while. Then one of my housemates sent me this picture and said that my landlord at my uni house had left it in the kitchen for us to see. I don't know why but this made me ridiculously happy. I am dyslexic but something that I wrote is in a newspaper and it's the first thing ever that I've written to be in one. I've never really considered myself a good writer or that I could ever write anything that anyone would want to publish or read and now I realise that may not be completely true. So this is something that I am completely chuffed about and cannot believe that something I've written has actually been published. It's actually insane.

A week or so ago my brothers and my Dad went to see the new Star Trek movie and I didn't want to go so I dog sat my brother and my sister in laws dog, Nikki. I love this dog to pieces and she makes me realise how much I want to have a dog later on in life. My Mum and I took her for a walk down to this place called Polesden Lacey and it was just amazing to see her run around the place and see her so happy. She wouldn't leave my side and she insisted on sitting on my lap on the car journey there.

I think the most tranquil thing to happen to me over the past month was when I fed my horses and there was a full moon so it was pretty bright. I lay in the field where my horses are and looked up at the stars while they were grazing quietly around me. Dizzie, my pony, also came up and sniffed me then licked my arm which was pretty nice. It just felt so perfect and relaxing, I couldn't have asked for a better moment if I'm completely honest. It felt like something out of a movie.

What I'm trying to get at is that even though it has been hard for me recently, mental health wise, I'm still trying really hard to focus on the good things that has happened to me and made me smile. These are just a few examples, ever since I've been trying to enjoy the little things in life things just seem to be so much brighter and it feels like I've been smiling a lot more than I use to before. I would highly recommend to write down some amazing stuff that's happened to you guys over the past month and just remember how wonderful it was. You will always be able to create memories like that so instead of feeling down it's so important to go out and make those memories, I know how easy it can be to lock yourself away, but it'll make a world of a difference to go out and at least try to have fun.

Stay awesome

Fighting Negative Thoughts

A while ago I wrote about the different forms of negative thinking and how they can affect you. I mentioned that I would do another blog post on how you can challenge those negative ways of thinking and try to see things from a logical view point, so that is what this blog is all about. I'm also going to mention an App that I use to help with my anxiety and I highly recommend you downloading it to help you as well. But I'll get onto that later.

So as mentioned in my previous blog, there are lots of different ways in which we think negatively, and these negative thoughts and feelings are not exclusive to those with anxiety, everyone has these thoughts, but I suppose those who suffer with anxiety think them a little more often than others. If you want to take a look at the different ways in which you think negatively in detail look back at my old blog. I'll link it at the end of the blog for your ease of reading.

So that way that negative thinking works is that you have an automatic thought which is a self criticism, these automatic thoughts could be things like, 'I never do anything right', 'I'm always late', or 'I'll make an idiot of myself.' for example when you think you're going to be a little late for something. The first thing you need to do with these thoughts that you feel is work out what kind of thought distortion/negative thought it is. So, the 'I'm always late' thought is overgeneralisation, and the thought 'I'll make an idiot of myself' is labelling and fortune telling. Once you've worked out what the type of thought distortion is you can attempt to rationalise everything, you effectively substitute the illogical negative thoughts for something that is more rational and objective. You evaluate the horrible self criticisms that automatically fill your thoughts when something doesn't quite go the way you want it to or when a negative event occurs.

The App I mentioned earlier is so useful when attempting to do this. The App is free for the basic package of it and this feature is part of the free bit of the App. It's called Pacifica and there's loads of other features but I'm just going to talk about this one for now. So you basically can write thought records of your negative thoughts, the example of the right is from when I was doing a module at uni called Performing Shakespeare. What you do to start off with is writing down your thoughts, everything that you're feeling at that current moment in time, so this one is all about me worrying about failing and not doing very well in the module. I was finding it hard to learn my lines quick enough basically. So the stuff highlighted in red and crossed out is my original writing, What you do next is click and highlight every negative work and thought, so you have to look and see in your own thoughts what thoughts are negative or inaccurate, You then tap the negative thoughts and change them into more balanced thoughts rather than the negative ones and those thoughts are the ones highlighted in green. If you haven't got this App and you suffer from anxiety I would highly recommend it. It's such a good thing to do. I will probably write another post on the App itself. By the way, I'm not sponsored to write any of this!

One way to evaluate those negative thoughts if you're not very confident to do so or don't really know how to is by asking yourself a load of questions to evaluate the thoughts and make you think differently. These questions can include:

• Have I had experiences that suggest that this thought is not true all of the time?
• If a person I care about had this thought what would I say to them?
• Am I jumping to conclusions?
• Am I blaming myself for a situation that is not completely within my control?
• Are there positives in myself that I'm discounting?

These are just a few questions you can ask yourself but I'm sure once you get the hang of it you'll be able to come up with more. I know how hard it can be to fight those negative, automatic thoughts and rationalise them all, but the App is super helpful. I've been using it for about five months now and it's helped me enormously, so I would highly recommend downloading it and giving it a go. It does a step by step walk through of everything as well which is awesome. I hope this has been helpful for you guys and helps you in some way to fight and rationalise those negative thoughts. 

Stay awesome.

http://atelophobia-fear.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/negative-ways-of-thinking.html

Finding Your Life Motto

So I watched a video the other day on Youtube by this Youtuber that I've been following for about five years now called Chyaz Samuels, I watch her videos quite frequently and she's the inspiration behind this blog post. In this video she talks about this funny phrase that became a life motto for her, she was reading a Buzzfeed article about weird children's books and one of the books said "Touch the cow, do it now" and she talks about how it kinda became a source of motivation for her and it made me think about what motto I use in life. I'll leave a link to her video at the end of this blog so you can see the whole video and what she says about life motto's. 

I think it's so important to find your own motto in life, for Chyaz it's something a little silly like "Touch the cow, do it now" but for me it's something a little different, before I get into my own life motto I'm going to explain why I think it's so important to have your own motto to live by and follow.

Sometimes in life we can often feel a little lost and unsure as to where we're going in life. There's points where you literally have no clue about what to do next and what's going to happen and this is where having a motto can potentially help you. When I turned 20 I had a sort of existential crisis about life, I know it's seems a bit melodramatic but when I had my 20th birthday I kinda didn't know where the hell I was going with my life. I had this internal dialogue of "I only have one year left of uni, then what? You're half way to forty, you have no idea what you're going to do after uni. You're going to live with your mum forever." Stuff like that and it was really shitty if I'm honest. I felt like I was in this weird limbo of life where I've finished my teenage years but I'm not technically an adult. It was weird, I didn't like it at all. I just felt quite lost and unsure of the future.

I feel like having  a motto sort of gives you something to focus on and move forward with, so when this video of Chyaz came out with her talking about "Touch the cow, do it now" I started to think what my own life motto should be and what I want to live by at this present moment. I think you can change your motto's from time to time as they may not apply to you anymore. I feel like motto's help you achieve your goals and if those goals change, so does the motto.

For those of you who don't know I am a massive Disney fan and my favourite Disney film of all time is The Lion King. I love it so much and it's like a part of me, sad, but true. The fact that The Lion King is loosely based on Hamlet as well makes me love it even more because I absolutely love Shakespeare. I feel like it has so many life lessons and is just a fantastic story, anyway, I was watching it with the guy I was seeing at the time and it made me realise how my motto for right now is staring me right in front of the face in this movie and it's what I've been trying to live up to for a long time.

If you're not familiar with The Lion King, which you totally should be by the way, there's this part towards the end where Simba is talking to Rafiki just before he goes back to save his kingdom. Rafiki wacks him on the head with his stick and they have a conversation about how it doesn't matter if it still hurts and Rafiki says possibly the most amazing thing ever:

"Oh yes the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."

This is my life motto for right now, I have a really horrible past with boyfriends, depression, anxiety, self harm and so many other things. Now I can either run from my past and not deal with all the horrific things that has happened to me, or I can hold my head up high, accept that things haven't always gone the way I wanted them to and learn from the past. I think that's what I'm taking from this particular sentence anyway. Learn from your mistake and the things that hurt you, don't let them haunt you. I'm trying to not let my past define me as a person and I'm attempting to open up new doors for myself that I wouldn't have done normally because I was too scared to because of my past. That's not something I'm going to be letting happen anymore.

So if your life motto comes from a Buzzfeed article or from The Lion King it doesn't matter, I think it's important to have something to live by and use to help you work towards you goals. For me, this one is working perfectly for right now and hopefully you'll be able to find one that will change your life for the better

Stay awesome. 

Chyaz's Video
The Lion King Scene

Trying Something New

I know how difficult it can be to put yourself out there and try something new, this is especially true for those with mental health issues. It can seem like such a huge task to do even something slightly out of your comfort zone just in case you make a fool of yourself and then it sucks because it feels like you've failed at something. It also can be daunting doing something new by yourself as well, most of us like to go in packs to try something new. But it's really important to actually go out and try something new if you want to and think it will benefit you. 

Something new that I've tried this Summer is getting a new job. I have been in the same job for three years and don't get me wrong, I love it so much, but this Summer they hired a bunch of new tutors ready for September when some of the other Tutors have to leave for University, so there weren't as many shifts going as I hoped there would be. I would only be getting three or two shifts per week so I thought I better apply for a new job somewhere. I applied to a lot of difference places but the place I got the first interview at, the one I discussed in my other blog post about job interviews, was the one that I got, so I decided to do three days there and then four days at my other job and it was such a good decision.

At my new job I have already got two new qualifications which are  First Aid as well as Safeguarding, this was something I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do if I hadn't gone for this new job. I've done it for two days so far and it's been so much fun. Very tiring but literally so much fun, I've taken the kids ice skating, bowling and swimming to name just a few and I've really enjoyed myself. Don't get me wrong, afterwards I am literally shattered and have to go to bed super early but if I'm honest I don't really mind. The experience and fun that I have is completely worth it. 

I was totally nervous on my first day because I literally hate being the new guy, I hate not knowing what to do and how to act or where to go. But the people who worked there were so friendly and really made me feel welcome. One thing I do need to try and learn to do is ice skate better because right now I'm shocking and kind of scared to go on the ice so in my free time I'm going to go ice skating and try and improve my skills a little. 

That's just one example of trying something new and it really working out. However it doesn't always work out for the best but that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a failure if you try something new and it doesn't work out or it's not something you want to carry on with. The main thing is that you tried it and put your best effort in. So many people are afraid to try something new because they are afraid to fail, but you shouldn't think about it like that at all. The most important thing is that you gave it ago, think about all the things you tried and something amazing came out of it. I wouldn't be where I am right now if I hadn't tried something new. 

I now have the opportunity to write blogs and for people to actually read them and the money that I makes goes to a worthwhile charity. If I hadn't stuck my neck out and at least gave it a go I wouldn't be in the position I am right now. I never thought that anything I would write would be useful or worthwhile, but a load of people read my blogs and message me about how much it's helped them. This could have been a massive flop and no one may have read my blogs, but a lot of people do and it's so amazing knowing that people are reading them and feeling like they're not alone.

My writing has also extended to being featured in a newspaper in Carmarthen. I write blogs for the university that I study at and they wanted to feature one in the newspaper along with a photograph of me and now something I have written has been published in a newspaper which is so completely insane. That never would have happened if I hadn't tried something new and different.

But on the other hand, some things I've tried haven't always worked. I use to want to go to the gym twice a week and do a load of exercise and it got to the point where I didn't go anymore so I just gave up going. It felt awful to know I quit something but at least I tried to do it.

What I'm trying to say is that it's so important to go out there and try new things. You may find something that you completely fall in love with. That's how I got into this and you might find something that is better that you ever thought it was. Don't worry about failing or giving up, at least you tried.

Stay awesome. 

Anti Depressants

This blog post is going to be all about, you guessed it: anti depressants. I'm going to talk about the different types of anti depressants out there, how they work and what it's like to be on them. Going on them for the first time can be a real shock to the system so it's important to understand what they do to your body and also what it can do to others when they're on them. This blog is going to be more of an informative one rather than a chatty one about my own experience, although, of course, I will include that as well.

First off there are four different types of anti depressants which are:

Select serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) - These are the most widely presribed types of anti depressants and are more likely to be used as they have fewer side effects and an overdose on them is a lot less serious than others. 

Serotonin-nonadrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) - These are designed to be a lot more effective than SSRI. But the evidence to suggest they work better is a bit uncertain, it mainly depends on the person, some do better on SSRIs while other people do better on SNRIs. 

Nonadrenaline and specific serotonergic antidepressents (NASSAs) - These can be effective for people who are unable to take SSRI and the side effects are similar to those of SSRI. They can cause drowsiness at first though. 

Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs) - These are a much older form of antidepressant and are no longer recommended as a first line of treatment for depression as an overdose from these can be much more dangerous than other antidepressants. They also cause more side effects than SSRIs and SNRIs but exceptions are sometimes made for people with severe depression that don't respond well to other treatment.

So yeah, four main types of anti depressants, I'm currently on an SSRI called Citalopram at 30mg, the only annoying thing about this tablet is that it contains lactose and I'm lactose intolerant, but this antidepressant also helps with my anxiety. I started on 10mg because that's what they usually do, and went up to 20, then 30 as I felt like my dosage needed to go up as it wasn't working the way I wanted and needed it to.

How it usually works with antidepressants if you don't have a depressive disorder is that you take it for about six months to help boost the serotonin and nonadrenaline levels in the brain. Both of these neurotransmitters are thought to be linked with mood, and as they're neurotransmitters they send signals around the body via the nerve cells in the body and brain. How my psychiatrist described it to me is that they work by bringing the serotonin and nonadrenaline levels back up to a place where they would be normal, and then the brain learns to create more of them and that's when you can begin to wean yourself off them. They usually start to work seven days after starting to take them but this can vary, and they can affect the body in many different ways. It's so important that if you notice a change you don't stop taking them after a month, you need to do the whole sixth months to get the neurotransmitters at the level that they're meant to be then slowly come off them. If you stop completely all the progress you made with the levels of neurotransmitters can completely go away and it can be seriously dangerous.

I think the worst thing about my antidepressant is how tired it makes me. I've switched from taking it in the morning to taking it at night but it still can affect my energy levels. I've found that if I do a lot during the day I get so tired and need a nap whereas before I would just want one rather than need it. I've also been getting really weird dreams with this antidepressant which isn't something I've experienced before. Usually I don't dream at all but now with these I dream all the time and man they can be bizarre. Sometimes to the point that I question reality when I wake up, they're so vivid and real that it can seriously mess with my brain.

When I first started going on them I didn't really notice that much of a change so after four weeks on 10mg I switched up to 20mg and then four weeks later up to 30mg. I found that when I got the right dosage of 30mg, it really helped level out my mood. I was paranoid that it would make me feel nothing at all and I would be like a robot, and it did do that to a certain extent but not to the point it had done previously when I've been on antidepressants. As they started to work I noticed a big difference in my mood swings to the point where they weren't really there as much as they use to be. I wasn't overly emotional and my anxiety reduced somewhat compared to what it was like before I was on them. I've been on Valium before and I know how messed up it can get you and how tired and groggy so I was glad to be on something that didn't have that big affect on my body like that drug did.

The most dangerous side effect of any antidepressant is an increase in suicidal thoughts. Kinda weird when you think that they're meant to reduce those thoughts, but  on the rare occasion they can make it all worse. It's so important to have an open line of communication about this to your GP. The reason they usually start with a small dosage is because of this exact issue, if you are having increased suicidal thoughts GO TO YOUR DOCTOR, they can change the medication or do something else so that you don't take that step in doing something silly.

The best way that antidepressants work is alongside counselling, the antidepressants take care of the imbalance of neurotransmitters while the therapy helps with the issues that made you feel like that in the first place. You want to resolve the issues as well not just rely on the pills to make you feel better. Most doctors will recommend you see someone to talk through your issues and resolve them with you.

I hope this blog post has been helpful to you guys and you've got a better insight into some of the antidepressants out there and the affect they have on your body both on a chemical level but how they can affect your thoughts as well. They're not something you should be afraid of taking but you do need to self monitor and see if they're working in the way you want them to.

Stay awesome.

Abusive Relationships

I watched a video on Facebook recently and it's something that I recognised and related to. This video contained a couple and within the video it became evident that the relationship was abusive and this girl was seriously being emotionally abusive to her girlfriend but her girlfriend couldn't see it until it was pointed out by one of her close friends. I'll put the link of the video at the end of the blog but it really got me thinking.

I have been in an abusive relationship before and abuse, for some reason, is so difficult to see. In the one particular relationship I'm going to talk about, there was physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse going on and it was so hard for me to notice it. I was with this guy for 13 months and he was abusive for probably ten of those months. I was so scared to leave him and only did it after I had to and someone gave me the strength to do so. 

It started off as something so little and it gradually built up so it wasn't like a massive bust up. I will never understand how I got myself into the situation in the first place and why I didn't have the guts to let go. I guess I'm still shocked and dealing with the consequences of being in that relationship. The first thing that I should have noticed was on his birthday he pretty much broke up with me, he cried and said how he knew he loved me but wasn't sure if he could be with me for the rest of his life. This was the beginning of the manipulation and the hurt. I remember not feeling good enough at all. Like I wasn't worth anything and didn't deserve to be with him at all. It's something that I never truly got over and I will never forget how my heart broke that day.

He began to isolate me a lot as well, he made me not want to go out as much as I had before we were together. He made me feel so bad for wanting to go out on a Friday night instead of staying in with him. In the end I couldn't go out at all without him and even when we went out together for a night he would get so jealous that I wanted to go and talk to other people rather than him. One time in first year, I wanted to go and talk to my friends but rather than being allowed to do that, he got angry that I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he went into my room and trashed the whole room. My bed was upside down, my wardrobe doors were broken off, he broke my bin, all because I didn't pay enough attention to him and he got angry. But of course, this was my fault, not his. If I had payed more attention to him it never would have happened. That's how he saw it anyway.

My friends in my flat when I was in first year would text me asking if I was okay when he went mental, they would hear him throwing things and going crazy. I would feel so embarrassed that people heard us fighting, not because of how he was treating me. I stupidly thought I was in the perfect relationship and he was only doing these things because he loved me so much. But what he did to me wasn't love. It was control, and it was abuse. I just didn't see it like that at the time. We both wore promise rings and planned on getting married one day. It was insane thinking back that I thought that was all I deserved. No one deserves that sort of abuse.

Over the summer between first year and second year was when it did get seriously scary. If I didn't text him in a suitable amount of time he would call me on the phone hysterically telling me that he was going to come over and that I didn't love him enough and that I didn't care. One time I had to lie to him and tell him I wasn't going to be at home because I was worried that he would go to my house where my mum is and upset or do something horrible to her. I remember having an argument with him in the car on the way to his Grandma's and he kept on driving really dangerously and I honestly thought he was going to kill me on the M3. I know that sounds melodramatic but that's what it felt like. If he had crashed the car on purpose to hurt me I wouldn't have been surprised. Sometimes during our fights when I did stand up for myself he would scream right up in my face, push me into things and throw me around the room. I did hit him a few times when he was shouting in my face which was completely wrong of me and only made him more angry. I do regret slapping him but at the time it felt like the only way to get him out of my face.

What made me realise I couldn't do it anymore was a number of things but something happened one Friday night which I just couldn't get past. He had promised to change so many times and one time was just too bad for me to handle anymore. I won't go into the details of the events of that night but it ended up with him being in a prison cell over night and him self harming in front of me. The self harming in front of me was particularly difficult to deal with due to my history with self harm. A lot of people were involved in this incident and we were all terrified of what he was going to do next. He basically wasn't allowed back to uni because they had to do an enquiry into what went on and then was told he would have to retake the year which he wasn't happy about.

We had almost broke up previously to this because he got kicked out of the union for starting a fight after an argument with me, but this was what did it for me. The whole time this situation was attempting to be sorted out which was about two months he blamed everybody else and took no responsibility for what he had done. Nothing was his fault, it was all someone else's fault. I ended up having this internal dialogue of "Is this my life? Am I going to be with him forever?" I got scared of ending up being married to him with a few kids and regretting staying with him my whole life.

After many conversations with my mum and my close friends I realised I needed to break up with him and enough was enough. I was too scared to break up with him previously because I thought he may kill me or even kill himself if I did, but I finally plucked up the courage. I had abusive messages off him a couple of times and we ended up blocking each other and haven't really spoken to each other since.

It was only really after breaking up with him and talking to my friends as well as getting into a new relationship that I realised how abusive and horrific the relationship was. I mean, I wasn't perfect in this situation at all, and I will put my hands up to that. But this guy emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. My new partner at the time had to point out the fact that my ex had raped me because I didn't understand what consent was and then it took a while for me to actually be able to say those words. I couldn't label it as that for a while.

What I'm trying to say here is that if you think you're in a relationship that's abusive and has been for a while, get yourself out of there as quickly as you possibly can. If they have promised to change over and over again but haven't, it's not worth it. Take it from someone who has been in an abusive relationship and come out the other side stronger and a better person. You can get away, you just need support from your friends and your family and recognise in yourself that something is not right. Only when you accept it can you truly move on and get your life back on track. I lost a lot of friends because of how much I was isolated in my relationship, I'm only just starting to get back out there and be close with my uni friends. I'm so glad that they've been so understanding and helpful to me in this process. I couldn't have asked for a better support system while going through all of this.

It can be so scary leaving someone, especially when they're mentally unstable and/or abusive, but you can do it! I've managed to and I'm so glad I did. God only knows where I would be right now if I had stuck by him and not broken it off. I'm still so worried about what's going to happen come September when he comes back to uni and I see him for the first time in about nine months, but I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I have an amazing support system at uni so a lot of people are going to be looking out for me next year which will be good.

I've dumbed down a lot of what happened over the course of my 13 month relationship as there was a lot of stuff that I didn't have time to write about, but hopefully this gives you a general overview of what I went through. I'm putting a link after the Facebook video link to a website that helps with abuse, it has some good pages on there and signs to look for if you think you're in an abusive relationship. It's also not gender or sexual orientation specific which I like, as men can be abused as well. It also has some information on sexting, consent, rape and porn and if you're dyslexic like me you'll like it because it's super easy to read.

Stay awesome. 

https://www.facebook.com/SOML/videos/892764494201299/?pnref=story
https://www.disrespectnobody.co.uk/

Irrational Thoughts

So a few days ago I tweeted one of my really irrational thoughts that I have and a lot of people liked it and retweeted it. So I thought I would share some more of my irrational fears and thoughts and hopefully you guys will have some of the same and then we will both feel less weird about having these thoughts and maybe we can laugh at ourselves a bit? I don't know, this one sounded good in my head, I'm not sure how good it'll actually come out so bear with me!

About 60% of the time when I'm driving I am completely convinced that an unmarked police officer is following me and that they're about to pull me over. I've never actually been pulled over or anything like that but whenever there is someone that's been behind me for a while I am utterly convinced that they're an unmarked vehicle. Most of the time when I think this I'm not actually doing anything that would warrant me being pulled over and told off but I can't help but think that. I look behind me and genuinely think that the granny in the old Fiat Panda is going to book me. My friend who is going to be a police officer has told me what kinda cars the police use as unmarked vehicles but I still can't get it out of my head. Realistically granny in the Fiat isn't going to pull me over, but if she was, it would 100% be my luck that she would pull me over.

Another weird irrational thought I have is that sometimes I am convinced people can read my mind. This one in particular can make me pretty anxious, and when I say it aloud it sounds pretty ridiculous and almost makes me laugh when I think about it. So I'll be sitting with someone and if they look at me in a particular way I automatically think they can read minds, especially in an intimate situation or when you're thinking something you shouldn't. I get in into my head that they can read minds and that in particular they can read my mind. So I get a bit worried that they can read my mind and then have my own internal dialogue that goes a little something like this "Oh crap, what if they can read my mind? How long have they been reading it for? I don't want them to know what I was thinking, they'll think I'm a proper freak. Right, think of something else. Cats, Dog... pizza. Oh Christ why are they looking at me funny now?! Probably because they're reading my mind. SHIT" You get the idea, pretty funny when you think about it but genuinely I can get so wrapped up in the idea that someone can read my mind and make myself seem like a proper weirdo when having a conversation with someone. Sometimes I even forget to reply because I'm so focused on trying to not think about the thing I was thinking about. Weird right?

This one I think a lot of people can relate to... or at least I hope they can and I'm not the only person who thinks this. But sometimes I think my life is like The Truman Show. If you don't know what I mean by that, I basically think that my life is constantly being recorded and watched by the world. I sometimes even change my behaviour because I am convinced that there is cameras watching me and the whole world is. That may seem big headed of me to think that people would actually be interested in my life but this is genuinely something that I think and can affect my life. I will do things just in case my life is being recorded so I know that if it is, I won't look like the bad guy. That's also another reason why I rarely ever lie because I think that people would think I'm a liar if my life is a TV show. This one is probably the most irrational thought that I have and I'm sure it crosses other people's minds too but with me, because I have anxiety I think about it a lot more than I would like to normally.

So there are my top three most irrational thoughts I have on a weekly basis. These ones are meant to be a little funny as well as light hearted and I do laugh at myself when I can get the thought out of my head. But some irrational thoughts can be much more detrimental to your mental well being and prevent you from doing everyday activities and going out there and experimenting with life.  These three thoughts can cause quite bad anxiety within me sometimes so they do sort of have a serious side of them. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that a lot of people have irrational thoughts, but it's just how you deal with it and attempt to not let it take over your life which is the main thing. In a few blog posts time I will be talking about how to deal with negative thoughts which includes some irrational thoughts as well.

I hope you guys enjoyed this blog post and it wasn't to much of a ramble and as weird as I thought it was going to be. It made me chuckle and smile while writing it so hopefully it's done the same for you guys.

Stay awesome. 

Job Interviews

I just had my first proper interview in a long time for a job that I really cared about getting a few days ago and as soon as I found out I was having an interview for this job, the anxiety set in. The woman who was going to interview me seemed really lovely over email and was very flexible with when I could come down and we eventually decided for 2pm on Friday.

I spent hours getting ready, and when I say hours, I do mean hours. I reapplied my make up about ten times until I got it looking just the way I wanted to, natural but still something there. I had to make sure my hair was perfect and it look me a long time to pick out my outfit, but eventually. I decided, my black work trousers, a white top, black pumps and then my pink floral kimono. I felt like I looked quite smart, but not too smart. 

Me being me, I got ready and left the house far too early so was 35 minutes early for my interview than I needed to be. As an actor I've always been taught to be 15 minutes early so I left my car at 20 to and made my way down to the creche. My first awkward moment was when I attempted to open the door to the creche, I realised it was actually locked so I had to ring a bell instead, and which point I was told to come back in 15 minutes,

My immediate thought was, oh crap, I've made an awful first impression and it was all I could think about was that I've messed up my chances of getting a job that I really wanted and needed. Working with kids is something that I am so passionate about and love doing and this was such a good opportunity for me to do that and I felt like I majorly messed it up. I tried to text my friends and play on games to keep my mind busy and I had brought my tangly thing with me to play with while I waited and tried not to panic. Some of the staff at this place must have thought I was really weird for sitting in a hallway playing with a tangle toy. It got to five to and I was debating in my head whether I should go bang on 2, a few minutes after two, or a few minutes before two. Honestly, these are the things my anxiety makes me think about and debate. 

I ended up going at two on the dot and rang the bell. The woman who was interviewing me was actually so lovely and I don't know why I was worrying so much. She told me it was just an informal chat and she would just ask me some questions, if I didn't know the answer then we would discuss them. Luckily because I had worked with kids before and have quite a lot of experience with them, answering the questions was pretty easy for me, it's all stuff I have had experience and knowledge in so all very simple for me to explain and I didn't have to blag anything or make it up. 

After all of the nervous energy and the worrying, I was told that I got the job and that she was very happy to give it to me. I literally couldn't believe it. I was so happy with it all. I couldn't stop smiling. I have to fill out some paper work now (another thing for me to worry about) and give her my availability and I can start ASAP. It will be weird for me being the new girl and everything as I feel like a veteran at my other job, but I'm feeling good about having something new in my life and doing something a little different.

When it comes to interviews people with anxiety can often become so overwhelmed by it all, Interviews can be stressful enough as it is but when you also have an anxiety disorder everything gets a lot more heightened and things can become too much very quickly. I guess the best kinda advice I can give to someone who is going to an interview is to breathe! Sometimes with anxiety it's so easy to forget how to breathe and that causes more panic within yourself. You just need to keep calm and breathe. It's also so important to work out where you have to go so that you don't have a last minute panic trying to find the place you need to go to and then you arrive all flustered and not ready to begin. It's so crucial to remember that the people interviewing you aren't trying to catch you out or make you look like an idiot. They want to fill the job position and asked you along because they thought you did. Also make sure you bring along with you something to help relieve your anxiety, for me it was my tangle toy, but other people being putty to mould, a cloth with a scent on it and other things that help them relax.

I know how freaky and scary interviews can be but it's important to keep calm and try your best. If you don't get the job, don't worry! There is always next time.

Stay awesome.