If you saw my little note about my blog a few weeks ago you'll know that I asked you guys to send me in some questions for me to answer about my experiences with mental health and anything about me that you want to know! So thank you very much to everyone who asked me questions, there was quite a lot of overlap but here are my answers!
When did you first start to show signs of mental health problems?
Literally from being a baby. I mentioned in my second ever blog post about my anxiety around strangers who are men and this is something that I had forever. My mum always told me that I would cry around strange men and if men held me in particular. It's carried on with me ever since then and I still do have this issue about speaking to men who are strangers and trusting men over women. That's when I first showed any signs of anxiety. Signs of depression came when I was in Year Four, so when I was around seven years old. I had special measures put into place for me at school because sometimes I couldn't cope with the work load or I'd cry, I was allowed to have these little mascots on my table which were comforting for me. The depression was triggered most likely through the divorce of my parents.
How many siblings do you have, do they have any mental health problems?
I have two brothers, a step sister and two step brothers. As far as I'm aware neither of my brothers have any mental health issues. I know my eldest brother has had issues with food before, but really my step sister has the mental health issues. She suffered from an eating disorder and was a prolific self harmer, I haven't spoken to her properly in a long time as she doesn't get on with my step mum so I don't really know how she's doing right now.
Are you embarrassed about your scars?
Yes. Very. I'm not as embarrassed as I use to be, I use to cover up every part of my body that contained scars that I inflicted on myself, but now I have the confidence to wear shorts or short sleeved tops without being too worried about what people think. The time that I am embarrassed about them the most is when I'm with a new sexual partner. I have words like slut, bitch, whore, fat and die scarred on my legs and it can very often freak them out a little even if they know about my past. I do often worry about how I would tell my kids, if I ever had any, about how and why I got them.
When was the last time you self harmed?
The last time I self harmed was on 28th May, I did a few little cuts and one huge gash on my leg that needed to be stitched up. Joyous times.
Are you in a relationship?
No, I'm not. I don't intend to be for a while. I was seeing someone for a little bit and it didn't exactly go well and I think I just need to take a break from dating and focus on myself.
Who do you look up to the most?
It's got to be my Nan. She is the strongest woman I know and the woman I respect most besides my mother. She's been through a hell of a lot in life and still manages to keep her head up and love us all. She's my last surviving grandparents and I could literally tell her anything. She's so open minded and kind. I hope to be as awesome a mother and grandmother as she is one day.
When was the last time you cried?
This morning because I put the new The 1975 album on to get ready before work and Nana came on and it reminds me of my Nan so I cried like a baby. Sad, but true. Listen to this song! It's so beautiful.
Why did you dye your hair red/When did you dye it red?
The first time I dyed it red was in Feb of 2011 so over five years ago, and I dyed it because I thought it would be cool. I also wanted to look a little like my favourite video game character, Kairi from Kingdom Hearts. Dorky but I don't care, I like the colour for itself now and feel like it suits me so I doubt I would change it anytime soon.
What's the hardest thing you've had to do?
This is a tricky one, but I think breaking up with my boyfriend of over a year, who was abusive towards me. It had been a long time coming and looking back I probably didn't pick the best day to do it. But at the time I just sort of came to the end of my tether and so felt like I had to. I broke up with him the day before we were meant to go out for his one year anniversary present to me, which was to go and see The Lion King in the West End. The reason why this was so hard for me to do was because I had wanted to do it for a long time but felt like I couldn't because of how mentally unstable he was. There were times where I honestly thought he was going to kill me or something like that so I thought if I broke up with him he would do something stupid to either himself or to me. I also wasn't truly prepared to let go of the future we planned together even if I felt like I was trapped. I was scared of being alone and that's probably why I stayed with him as long as I did.
How is your crisis box going?
It's going great! I'm finding having things in there with certain smells is really helping me, especially vanilla smells. I don't know why, but it has helped. I still colour a little now and then, and putting little sweets and stuff in there also really helps me. I also have things that I can use my hands to play with and those are helpful when I want to self harm or whatever. I really recommend making one.
Will you ever make YouTube videos?
I have seriously been considering this for a long time. I've wanted to make videos for ages but have never had to courage to do so. This is like the first step for me in going to do that. I'm still considering it, I would love to but I'm not sure anyone would actually watch my videos.
What video games are you playing right now?
The only thing I'm really playing is Pokemon Go, which I wouldn't really say is a video game. I don't really have time to play the things I use to on actual consoles. But I'm proud of my level 22 on Pokemon Go. I feel like I'm doing pretty well.
What songs can you not stop listening to?
Any songs from The 1975. For a while I couldn't listen to them because they really reminded me of my last ex, but now they don't at all and both of us are happy and have moved on. Which is really awesome and I'm genuinely happy for him. No ill will towards him at all. I was bitter for quite a while but that's all gone now and I wish him every happiness. So I'm now able to listen to my favourite band again. I also have a happy playlist which I like to listen to every so often. All of the songs in my top ten feel good songs blog feature in it.
Okay, I think that's all the questions I'm going to answer for today guys! Thank you so much for sending in your questions and I'm sorry I didn't get through them all. I'll probably do another Q&A in a few months time, but I hope this gives you all a little bit more of an insight into me.
Stay awesome.
Are you in a relationship?
No, I'm not. I don't intend to be for a while. I was seeing someone for a little bit and it didn't exactly go well and I think I just need to take a break from dating and focus on myself.
Who do you look up to the most?
It's got to be my Nan. She is the strongest woman I know and the woman I respect most besides my mother. She's been through a hell of a lot in life and still manages to keep her head up and love us all. She's my last surviving grandparents and I could literally tell her anything. She's so open minded and kind. I hope to be as awesome a mother and grandmother as she is one day.
When was the last time you cried?
This morning because I put the new The 1975 album on to get ready before work and Nana came on and it reminds me of my Nan so I cried like a baby. Sad, but true. Listen to this song! It's so beautiful.
Why did you dye your hair red/When did you dye it red?
The first time I dyed it red was in Feb of 2011 so over five years ago, and I dyed it because I thought it would be cool. I also wanted to look a little like my favourite video game character, Kairi from Kingdom Hearts. Dorky but I don't care, I like the colour for itself now and feel like it suits me so I doubt I would change it anytime soon.
What's the hardest thing you've had to do?
This is a tricky one, but I think breaking up with my boyfriend of over a year, who was abusive towards me. It had been a long time coming and looking back I probably didn't pick the best day to do it. But at the time I just sort of came to the end of my tether and so felt like I had to. I broke up with him the day before we were meant to go out for his one year anniversary present to me, which was to go and see The Lion King in the West End. The reason why this was so hard for me to do was because I had wanted to do it for a long time but felt like I couldn't because of how mentally unstable he was. There were times where I honestly thought he was going to kill me or something like that so I thought if I broke up with him he would do something stupid to either himself or to me. I also wasn't truly prepared to let go of the future we planned together even if I felt like I was trapped. I was scared of being alone and that's probably why I stayed with him as long as I did.
How is your crisis box going?
It's going great! I'm finding having things in there with certain smells is really helping me, especially vanilla smells. I don't know why, but it has helped. I still colour a little now and then, and putting little sweets and stuff in there also really helps me. I also have things that I can use my hands to play with and those are helpful when I want to self harm or whatever. I really recommend making one.
Will you ever make YouTube videos?
I have seriously been considering this for a long time. I've wanted to make videos for ages but have never had to courage to do so. This is like the first step for me in going to do that. I'm still considering it, I would love to but I'm not sure anyone would actually watch my videos.
What video games are you playing right now?
The only thing I'm really playing is Pokemon Go, which I wouldn't really say is a video game. I don't really have time to play the things I use to on actual consoles. But I'm proud of my level 22 on Pokemon Go. I feel like I'm doing pretty well.
What songs can you not stop listening to?
Any songs from The 1975. For a while I couldn't listen to them because they really reminded me of my last ex, but now they don't at all and both of us are happy and have moved on. Which is really awesome and I'm genuinely happy for him. No ill will towards him at all. I was bitter for quite a while but that's all gone now and I wish him every happiness. So I'm now able to listen to my favourite band again. I also have a happy playlist which I like to listen to every so often. All of the songs in my top ten feel good songs blog feature in it.
Okay, I think that's all the questions I'm going to answer for today guys! Thank you so much for sending in your questions and I'm sorry I didn't get through them all. I'll probably do another Q&A in a few months time, but I hope this gives you all a little bit more of an insight into me.
Stay awesome.
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