I have written a few blogs about body image and being more accepting of all body types as long as you're healthy and happy. I haven't really discussed in great detail the struggle I've had with my body image and the things that I've gone through in order to gain what I thought was perfection. Now, I'm going to preface this with the fact that I've never had an eating disorder and I'm not claiming to, I do however have a touch of body dysmorphia which pretty much everyone has. Body dysmorphia is linked to anxiety and causes you to have a really distorted view of yourself and your body. It effects people in a lot of different ways and in my case it effects how I see my weight and size of my body. Everyone suffers with it to a certain degree, but in some cases it's more extreme than others. Mine isn't so bad that it effects my life day to day, but it does make me have a very negative view of myself.
The turning point for me was in secondary school. I think everyone has this moment if they don't quite fit in, that you realise so many other girls are prettier and thinner than you, and these girls are the ones who are popular and getting all the attention from the boys. I wasn't one of those girls. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable. My only solace was that I was in the higher set in PE so I felt like I was above some other people in terms of fitness. I was a lot thinner than I am right now because of the amount of exercise I did per week. I really started to obsess over my weight and how I looked during year 10-11.
I started dating this boy who was a lot thinner than me and I felt like I was the fat one in the relationship. This was also when my problems with depression really snuck up on me and I wanted to be thinner. It wasn't that I had an eating disorder because I was never diagnosed with one, but I did really limit my food intake and sometimes didn't really eat at all. I wanted to be thinner and wanted him to fancy me when we broke up. I have this one particular picture of me in a white dress with my friend Laura when I was in year 11. I may not look traditionally thin in it, but for me... I was at a dangerous level of weight and if I carried on losing it, there would have been a real problem in terms of my health. Looking at it now, I know how thin I was for me, I didn't really have my curves that I usually had, my legs were so much thinner than usual, and my collar bones were so prominent. Again, I wasn't at a stage where it was unhealthy for me, but I did have bad eating habits and intentionally didn't eat because I felt like I shouldn't.
I remember being on holiday with my friends in Padstow for our end of Year 11 trip and feeling like I was so much bigger than all of them. It was the first time I ever felt comfortable to wear a bikini, before that I had always worn a swimming costume because I felt like I was far too fat for anything else. I still felt a little like a beached whale whenever I was around my friends but I did have that tiny bit of confidence to actually wear it. I remember a picture being taken of me and Laura in our bikini and put up on Facebook. I was so worried that people would look at it and think I looked like a killer whale or an elephant. Now I couldn't really give a damn about if I was too fat to wear anything or what other people think of my body.
I feel like as my depression improved, so did my relationship with food. I was far more comfortable to eat full meals and not worry too much about what I was putting in my body. I still knew I was bigger than most people but nothing too bad that I didn't like myself. Sixth Form for me was a time when I was actually really happy with my size. I didn't feel too heavy or like I needed to lose a lot of weight. I felt content in where I was with my body, I felt so much more comfortable to wear tight fitting clothing and show off my curves. I feel like Sixth Form was a really good place for me in terms of my feelings towards my body.
However, when I got to uni I really developed an unhealthy relationship with food and gained three whole stone. I think it was partly down to me being in a relationship and him being a massive eater that this happened. We would eat McDonalds every Sunday for dinner, eat Dominos at least once and week and we would also eat such bad food and I would barely exercise. What made me realise I needed to change was that I no longer fit into size 12 jeans anymore, I had to wear size 14 or 16. Which for me, was something I never wanted, I've always been a 12-10, and in my smaller times 10-8 so the idea that I had gained so much weight and was so unhealthy really hit me hard. It made me kick myself back into gear and lose the unhealthy weight I gained through bad eating.
I went on a diet called the 5/2 diet and began to detox. I managed to lose a stone in a month due to the 5/2 and doing a tea detox called Bootea. I think the 5/2 really contributed to my weight loss, but it was so unhealthy for me. Basically two times a week I would only eat 500 calories, which is insane! And although it really helped me drop the pounds it is not something I would EVER recommend. Only eating 500 calories a day is not healthy at all, yeah it helped me lose weight but I would get so lightheaded because I hadn't eaten anything. I remember going shopping with my friends and feeling like I was going to faint so I went home and had literally something so small and stupid. I think it was a fat free yogurt which was like 60 calories. The Bootea stuff is something I would recommend as long as you eat a really healthy diet while you're doing it and detox from all the bad stuff you can eat. I've done three detoxes and I will be doing another one after Freshers fortnight at uni. I actually really enjoy doing them and think the tea tastes really good. It's just a shame how much you do need to go to the toilet when you're on it.
So, here I am now, about to start my third year of university. My body confidence has probably been the highest it ever has been and that's why I'm going to do something I didn't think I would ever do. I do think it shows how far I've come and how willing I am to be open and honest about my body struggles. If you like don't underwear then click away now, but to me, I'm just wearing a bikini so it doesn't really bother me that I'm doing this. Here are two pictures of me, today, in my underwear. I'm not breathing in, I'm not trying to hide my wobbly bits or the fact that my stomach isn't flat I'm just showing you what I look like au naturel. I literally took these this morning as soon as I got up, please excuse the fact that my bra and pants don't match.
So for me, I so still have a bit of a way to go to lose all the weight I wanted to, and over the Summer I have put on a bit of weight that I'm going to asses when I get back to uni. When I started trying to lose weight and be healthy at the start of second year I weighed 12st and 3lbs. The last time I weight myself, I was 9st 6lbs, so I've lost nearly 3st. However, I probably have put back on about half a stone so I have one stone left until I reach my goal weight and where I feel my body is at it's healthiest.
I have really struggled over the years with my body image and my weight, I feel like now I'm in such a good place with it all and I feel so confident within myself. I am not super thin, like I wanted to be when I was 15, I feel like I am curvy, and I do have lumps and bumps as well as a lot of bits the wiggle and jiggle. but I am healthy. I eat well, I don't binge or prevent myself from eating. I'm more at peace with my weight and with my body shape. My Nan has said to me for a long time that the sooner you love your body the happier you will be and that's completely true. There are still days where I look in the mirror and I'm not happy, but those days are few and far between. So for now, I'm happy. I still have a little way to go, but for now, this is me, and this is where I'm happy.
Stay awesome.
I started dating this boy who was a lot thinner than me and I felt like I was the fat one in the relationship. This was also when my problems with depression really snuck up on me and I wanted to be thinner. It wasn't that I had an eating disorder because I was never diagnosed with one, but I did really limit my food intake and sometimes didn't really eat at all. I wanted to be thinner and wanted him to fancy me when we broke up. I have this one particular picture of me in a white dress with my friend Laura when I was in year 11. I may not look traditionally thin in it, but for me... I was at a dangerous level of weight and if I carried on losing it, there would have been a real problem in terms of my health. Looking at it now, I know how thin I was for me, I didn't really have my curves that I usually had, my legs were so much thinner than usual, and my collar bones were so prominent. Again, I wasn't at a stage where it was unhealthy for me, but I did have bad eating habits and intentionally didn't eat because I felt like I shouldn't.I remember being on holiday with my friends in Padstow for our end of Year 11 trip and feeling like I was so much bigger than all of them. It was the first time I ever felt comfortable to wear a bikini, before that I had always worn a swimming costume because I felt like I was far too fat for anything else. I still felt a little like a beached whale whenever I was around my friends but I did have that tiny bit of confidence to actually wear it. I remember a picture being taken of me and Laura in our bikini and put up on Facebook. I was so worried that people would look at it and think I looked like a killer whale or an elephant. Now I couldn't really give a damn about if I was too fat to wear anything or what other people think of my body.
I feel like as my depression improved, so did my relationship with food. I was far more comfortable to eat full meals and not worry too much about what I was putting in my body. I still knew I was bigger than most people but nothing too bad that I didn't like myself. Sixth Form for me was a time when I was actually really happy with my size. I didn't feel too heavy or like I needed to lose a lot of weight. I felt content in where I was with my body, I felt so much more comfortable to wear tight fitting clothing and show off my curves. I feel like Sixth Form was a really good place for me in terms of my feelings towards my body.
However, when I got to uni I really developed an unhealthy relationship with food and gained three whole stone. I think it was partly down to me being in a relationship and him being a massive eater that this happened. We would eat McDonalds every Sunday for dinner, eat Dominos at least once and week and we would also eat such bad food and I would barely exercise. What made me realise I needed to change was that I no longer fit into size 12 jeans anymore, I had to wear size 14 or 16. Which for me, was something I never wanted, I've always been a 12-10, and in my smaller times 10-8 so the idea that I had gained so much weight and was so unhealthy really hit me hard. It made me kick myself back into gear and lose the unhealthy weight I gained through bad eating.
I went on a diet called the 5/2 diet and began to detox. I managed to lose a stone in a month due to the 5/2 and doing a tea detox called Bootea. I think the 5/2 really contributed to my weight loss, but it was so unhealthy for me. Basically two times a week I would only eat 500 calories, which is insane! And although it really helped me drop the pounds it is not something I would EVER recommend. Only eating 500 calories a day is not healthy at all, yeah it helped me lose weight but I would get so lightheaded because I hadn't eaten anything. I remember going shopping with my friends and feeling like I was going to faint so I went home and had literally something so small and stupid. I think it was a fat free yogurt which was like 60 calories. The Bootea stuff is something I would recommend as long as you eat a really healthy diet while you're doing it and detox from all the bad stuff you can eat. I've done three detoxes and I will be doing another one after Freshers fortnight at uni. I actually really enjoy doing them and think the tea tastes really good. It's just a shame how much you do need to go to the toilet when you're on it.So, here I am now, about to start my third year of university. My body confidence has probably been the highest it ever has been and that's why I'm going to do something I didn't think I would ever do. I do think it shows how far I've come and how willing I am to be open and honest about my body struggles. If you like don't underwear then click away now, but to me, I'm just wearing a bikini so it doesn't really bother me that I'm doing this. Here are two pictures of me, today, in my underwear. I'm not breathing in, I'm not trying to hide my wobbly bits or the fact that my stomach isn't flat I'm just showing you what I look like au naturel. I literally took these this morning as soon as I got up, please excuse the fact that my bra and pants don't match.
So for me, I so still have a bit of a way to go to lose all the weight I wanted to, and over the Summer I have put on a bit of weight that I'm going to asses when I get back to uni. When I started trying to lose weight and be healthy at the start of second year I weighed 12st and 3lbs. The last time I weight myself, I was 9st 6lbs, so I've lost nearly 3st. However, I probably have put back on about half a stone so I have one stone left until I reach my goal weight and where I feel my body is at it's healthiest.
I have really struggled over the years with my body image and my weight, I feel like now I'm in such a good place with it all and I feel so confident within myself. I am not super thin, like I wanted to be when I was 15, I feel like I am curvy, and I do have lumps and bumps as well as a lot of bits the wiggle and jiggle. but I am healthy. I eat well, I don't binge or prevent myself from eating. I'm more at peace with my weight and with my body shape. My Nan has said to me for a long time that the sooner you love your body the happier you will be and that's completely true. There are still days where I look in the mirror and I'm not happy, but those days are few and far between. So for now, I'm happy. I still have a little way to go, but for now, this is me, and this is where I'm happy.
Stay awesome.
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