Sometimes You Need To Be Single

I know this seems like a really weird topic for me to be talking about on here but it's something that I have come to realise over the last few months and it's something I would like to share with you guys, Now, if you look at my past dating history since I started dating people at 15, you would probably notice that I haven't really been single for that long. What I mean by single is that I haven't been at a point where I'm not talking to someone, seeing someone or I've not been in a relationship. For the past five years almost, I've probably only been properly single for about a year. That's one fifth of the time since I started dating my first boyfriend at age 15. 

Like right now, for example, my last relationship split up about three months ago, and since then I was in a really short lived relationship, then were dating people on and off and had so many people on call who I could literally just text and they would come over. Before that relationship, I was with someone for just over a year, I can literally trace back my dating history since my first ever proper boyfriend when I was 15, I've had five relationships since then, with only two of them lasting over a year. That's quite a few relationships if we're honest.

I've come to realise why I like to be with someone so much. For me, it's a form of being wanted and feeling as though I'm worth something. So many of my friends have told me that I'm a 'relationship jumper' and what they mean by that is that I constantly have someone on the go. And for me, that's how I measure my worth by. I love being in a relationship, I love looking after my partner and I love knowing that I'm taken by someone. It makes me feel like I'm worth something by being with someone, and I think it's the same for a lot of people, the need to be in a relationship in order to feel good about yourself.

Just like me, I know so many people who hop from relationship to relationship and I can completely see from an outsiders perspective why it doesn't look healthy. It's like you don't give yourself enough time to get over the thing you've lost before searching for something new and exciting. 

For me especially, I focus so much on the relationship and the other persons problems that I almost forget all of my own. I push them to the back of my mind and don't notice how much I am actually struggling. Of course, I do still have my mental health problems when I'm with someone, but I don't deal with them effectively when I'm with someone, I focus on their issues and their mental well-being and don't even bother sorting my own head out. I let things build, and build and build, then when I break up with the person I'm seeing, my mental health just explodes and I have a huge relapse of progress.  

I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that sometimes you need to be single. Sometimes you need to work on yourself and not focus your attentions on someone else. Don't get my wrong, being in a relationship is literally amazing, the closeness and the love you get is wonderful. But there's no point in being in a relationship when you can't love yourself properly. You need to be okay by yourself before you can even think about being with someone else. I have constantly jumped from relationship to relationship and I really think it's time for me to enjoy the single life. Go out with my friends and have an amazing time. Do not be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

This summer before my last year of uni, I'm going to focus on me for the first time in a long time. I'm going to focus on getting better mentally so I can work my arse off during my final year of university. I'm going to enjoy myself, work hard and be the best person I can possibly be before even attempting a new relationship. My mental health comes first, not my need to feel love and accepted. I am only 20 years old, I have so much time left to fall in love and meet the one. I need to stop focusing on that and start focusing on myself.

I just had this thought while I was in the bath the other day and I thought I would get it all out and see if my thoughts made sense. I think they did. Sometimes you just need to be single and sort your life out and that's exactly what I've been doing and will continue to do. 

Stay awesome.