Dealing With Loss

This is something that I've had to go through very recently, not just with myself but with a good friend of mine too. Dealing with loss or the death of a close friend or family member is never an easy thing to do. It's horrific, knowing that you will never see that person again, never be able to hold their hand or look into their eyes. It's something that is completely heartbreaking. 

Now, I haven't actually lost a family member or friend really close to me recently. I've lost three of my grandparents but it all happened when I was below the age of 10 so my understanding of it was a little different then. My Grandpa, who we called Grandpa Grimstead, (don't ask why) was someone that I was never really close to. I only saw him once before he died as there was a family feud between him and my father, due to that I never really got to know him properly. So when he passed, it didn't really impact my life that much at all. I could see my Dad hurting but I didn't really understand why, and Grandpa Grimstead wasn't a huge part of my life in anyway so it didn't affect me. 

When my mother's parents passed that was a little different. Every other week I had gone to see my Granddad and Nana, I knew them, they babysat me sometimes, I played games with them, they gave us all sweets every time we went, I had a special cup that was just mine at their house, and every time I hugged my Granddad goodbye he would whisper in my ear "You are my favourite, I love you forever and always". Both my Grandparents were in their 90s when they passed away, so it wasn't as though they were robbed of life, but it hurt none the less. I couldn't really understand at the time why they had passed, but one thing my mother told me will stick with me forever. She said to me "Don't remember them as they were the last time you saw them, think about your favourite memory with them, keep that in your mind. Remember them at their best and when you had the most fun with them."

That was the only piece of advice I could give to my friend when a loved one of hers passed. All I could do for her was the be there when she needed to chat and basically be flexible with anything she wanted. I even said her favourite word to her over and over again, her favourite word being a swear word and one that I don't like saying, but I kept on telling her "It's only because you're sad". When a friend is going through something like that it's so hard, it's so much harder for them obviously, but it's hard to watch them in so much pain. You never want to see someone you care about hurting. With this particular situation, we just tried to have as much fun as we could and I was always there if she wanted a chat about something. I no longer came first in my mind, it was all about what she wanted to do. She knew if she wanted a chat, she could come to me, and I would sit there and listen and give her a cuddle if she needed it. That's really what you need at a time of loss, support from your loved ones, and I do hope that it helped her even a little bit. 

Something my friend noticed within herself was that her mood seemed to change drastically, sometimes with no reason or rhyme as to why. She wasn't able to control her emotions as much as she would have been able to do normally and this resulted in a shorter fuse in which she blew up in an argument with a friend but then was uncontrollably crying only a few minutes later. I suppose the feeling of loss heightened everything and made those feelings so much more intense which is why her fuse was shorter. As she had such a horrible feeling of loss it made everything else seem and feel so much worse. She wasn't able to control her emotions as much as she would be able to, and I think that's the same for most people.

I had to deal with a loss very recently, not of a family member, but of something that could have been. I suffered from a miscarriage (You have no idea how hard it is for me to say that). I don't want to go into the details of that as I'm still dealing with all of the emotional affects of it, but it's safe to say, it's not something I ever want to experience again. I knew it was going on but I was too scared to go to the hospital, I lay in bed knowing full well what was going on, and I didn't really speak to anyone. I cried and cried, I felt so alone. The one person I could talk to was not talking to me and I was too scared to go and seek help. Then, my friend, who I mentioned before, gave me the courage to get out of bed and go get help. 

I cannot describe the feeling I had over the next few days. I felt so completely numb. It didn't seem like life was worth living at this point. When I got back home to Surrey I just had to distract myself. I threw myself into work and tried to keep my mind off it as much as possible. I didn't punish myself for being happy and carrying on, I just tried to take each day as it comes and attempt to be happy. The thought crosses my mind every so often, I think about how far along I would be and things like that. When the due date comes around I think that's going to be a particularly tricky time for me but I will have to see how it effects me when the day comes.

I guess the same as I tried to do with my friend when she lost a loved one. She had to come to terms with her tragic loss. Although her loved one was gone, she knew that all they would have wanted for her was to be happy and be brilliant. Make her proud, which I know my friend will do. She also got to say goodbye to her loved one properly which I think helped her so much, being able to do it in person and having those last few private moments with them.

When someone you loves passes I feel that it's so important to do everything in your power to make them proud of you. I think it's also important to celebrate the fact that they lived and how much of an impact they had on your life.  It's so hard to know you will never be able to see them again, but they will always be with you. They will always be in your heart and your thoughts. They lead a remarkable life, cherish the memories you had with them and don't punish yourself for being happy after they have gone. That's all they would have wanted for you: to be healthy and happy.

Stay awesome.