I watched a video on Facebook recently and it's something that I recognised and related to. This video contained a couple and within the video it became evident that the relationship was abusive and this girl was seriously being emotionally abusive to her girlfriend but her girlfriend couldn't see it until it was pointed out by one of her close friends. I'll put the link of the video at the end of the blog but it really got me thinking.
I have been in an abusive relationship before and abuse, for some reason, is so difficult to see. In the one particular relationship I'm going to talk about, there was physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse going on and it was so hard for me to notice it. I was with this guy for 13 months and he was abusive for probably ten of those months. I was so scared to leave him and only did it after I had to and someone gave me the strength to do so.
It started off as something so little and it gradually built up so it wasn't like a massive bust up. I will never understand how I got myself into the situation in the first place and why I didn't have the guts to let go. I guess I'm still shocked and dealing with the consequences of being in that relationship. The first thing that I should have noticed was on his birthday he pretty much broke up with me, he cried and said how he knew he loved me but wasn't sure if he could be with me for the rest of his life. This was the beginning of the manipulation and the hurt. I remember not feeling good enough at all. Like I wasn't worth anything and didn't deserve to be with him at all. It's something that I never truly got over and I will never forget how my heart broke that day.
He began to isolate me a lot as well, he made me not want to go out as much as I had before we were together. He made me feel so bad for wanting to go out on a Friday night instead of staying in with him. In the end I couldn't go out at all without him and even when we went out together for a night he would get so jealous that I wanted to go and talk to other people rather than him. One time in first year, I wanted to go and talk to my friends but rather than being allowed to do that, he got angry that I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he went into my room and trashed the whole room. My bed was upside down, my wardrobe doors were broken off, he broke my bin, all because I didn't pay enough attention to him and he got angry. But of course, this was my fault, not his. If I had payed more attention to him it never would have happened. That's how he saw it anyway.
My friends in my flat when I was in first year would text me asking if I was okay when he went mental, they would hear him throwing things and going crazy. I would feel so embarrassed that people heard us fighting, not because of how he was treating me. I stupidly thought I was in the perfect relationship and he was only doing these things because he loved me so much. But what he did to me wasn't love. It was control, and it was abuse. I just didn't see it like that at the time. We both wore promise rings and planned on getting married one day. It was insane thinking back that I thought that was all I deserved. No one deserves that sort of abuse.
Over the summer between first year and second year was when it did get seriously scary. If I didn't text him in a suitable amount of time he would call me on the phone hysterically telling me that he was going to come over and that I didn't love him enough and that I didn't care. One time I had to lie to him and tell him I wasn't going to be at home because I was worried that he would go to my house where my mum is and upset or do something horrible to her. I remember having an argument with him in the car on the way to his Grandma's and he kept on driving really dangerously and I honestly thought he was going to kill me on the M3. I know that sounds melodramatic but that's what it felt like. If he had crashed the car on purpose to hurt me I wouldn't have been surprised. Sometimes during our fights when I did stand up for myself he would scream right up in my face, push me into things and throw me around the room. I did hit him a few times when he was shouting in my face which was completely wrong of me and only made him more angry. I do regret slapping him but at the time it felt like the only way to get him out of my face.
What made me realise I couldn't do it anymore was a number of things but something happened one Friday night which I just couldn't get past. He had promised to change so many times and one time was just too bad for me to handle anymore. I won't go into the details of the events of that night but it ended up with him being in a prison cell over night and him self harming in front of me. The self harming in front of me was particularly difficult to deal with due to my history with self harm. A lot of people were involved in this incident and we were all terrified of what he was going to do next. He basically wasn't allowed back to uni because they had to do an enquiry into what went on and then was told he would have to retake the year which he wasn't happy about.
We had almost broke up previously to this because he got kicked out of the union for starting a fight after an argument with me, but this was what did it for me. The whole time this situation was attempting to be sorted out which was about two months he blamed everybody else and took no responsibility for what he had done. Nothing was his fault, it was all someone else's fault. I ended up having this internal dialogue of "Is this my life? Am I going to be with him forever?" I got scared of ending up being married to him with a few kids and regretting staying with him my whole life.
After many conversations with my mum and my close friends I realised I needed to break up with him and enough was enough. I was too scared to break up with him previously because I thought he may kill me or even kill himself if I did, but I finally plucked up the courage. I had abusive messages off him a couple of times and we ended up blocking each other and haven't really spoken to each other since.
It was only really after breaking up with him and talking to my friends as well as getting into a new relationship that I realised how abusive and horrific the relationship was. I mean, I wasn't perfect in this situation at all, and I will put my hands up to that. But this guy emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. My new partner at the time had to point out the fact that my ex had raped me because I didn't understand what consent was and then it took a while for me to actually be able to say those words. I couldn't label it as that for a while.
What I'm trying to say here is that if you think you're in a relationship that's abusive and has been for a while, get yourself out of there as quickly as you possibly can. If they have promised to change over and over again but haven't, it's not worth it. Take it from someone who has been in an abusive relationship and come out the other side stronger and a better person. You can get away, you just need support from your friends and your family and recognise in yourself that something is not right. Only when you accept it can you truly move on and get your life back on track. I lost a lot of friends because of how much I was isolated in my relationship, I'm only just starting to get back out there and be close with my uni friends. I'm so glad that they've been so understanding and helpful to me in this process. I couldn't have asked for a better support system while going through all of this.
It can be so scary leaving someone, especially when they're mentally unstable and/or abusive, but you can do it! I've managed to and I'm so glad I did. God only knows where I would be right now if I had stuck by him and not broken it off. I'm still so worried about what's going to happen come September when he comes back to uni and I see him for the first time in about nine months, but I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I have an amazing support system at uni so a lot of people are going to be looking out for me next year which will be good.
I've dumbed down a lot of what happened over the course of my 13 month relationship as there was a lot of stuff that I didn't have time to write about, but hopefully this gives you a general overview of what I went through. I'm putting a link after the Facebook video link to a website that helps with abuse, it has some good pages on there and signs to look for if you think you're in an abusive relationship. It's also not gender or sexual orientation specific which I like, as men can be abused as well. It also has some information on sexting, consent, rape and porn and if you're dyslexic like me you'll like it because it's super easy to read.
Stay awesome.
He began to isolate me a lot as well, he made me not want to go out as much as I had before we were together. He made me feel so bad for wanting to go out on a Friday night instead of staying in with him. In the end I couldn't go out at all without him and even when we went out together for a night he would get so jealous that I wanted to go and talk to other people rather than him. One time in first year, I wanted to go and talk to my friends but rather than being allowed to do that, he got angry that I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he went into my room and trashed the whole room. My bed was upside down, my wardrobe doors were broken off, he broke my bin, all because I didn't pay enough attention to him and he got angry. But of course, this was my fault, not his. If I had payed more attention to him it never would have happened. That's how he saw it anyway.
My friends in my flat when I was in first year would text me asking if I was okay when he went mental, they would hear him throwing things and going crazy. I would feel so embarrassed that people heard us fighting, not because of how he was treating me. I stupidly thought I was in the perfect relationship and he was only doing these things because he loved me so much. But what he did to me wasn't love. It was control, and it was abuse. I just didn't see it like that at the time. We both wore promise rings and planned on getting married one day. It was insane thinking back that I thought that was all I deserved. No one deserves that sort of abuse.
Over the summer between first year and second year was when it did get seriously scary. If I didn't text him in a suitable amount of time he would call me on the phone hysterically telling me that he was going to come over and that I didn't love him enough and that I didn't care. One time I had to lie to him and tell him I wasn't going to be at home because I was worried that he would go to my house where my mum is and upset or do something horrible to her. I remember having an argument with him in the car on the way to his Grandma's and he kept on driving really dangerously and I honestly thought he was going to kill me on the M3. I know that sounds melodramatic but that's what it felt like. If he had crashed the car on purpose to hurt me I wouldn't have been surprised. Sometimes during our fights when I did stand up for myself he would scream right up in my face, push me into things and throw me around the room. I did hit him a few times when he was shouting in my face which was completely wrong of me and only made him more angry. I do regret slapping him but at the time it felt like the only way to get him out of my face.
What made me realise I couldn't do it anymore was a number of things but something happened one Friday night which I just couldn't get past. He had promised to change so many times and one time was just too bad for me to handle anymore. I won't go into the details of the events of that night but it ended up with him being in a prison cell over night and him self harming in front of me. The self harming in front of me was particularly difficult to deal with due to my history with self harm. A lot of people were involved in this incident and we were all terrified of what he was going to do next. He basically wasn't allowed back to uni because they had to do an enquiry into what went on and then was told he would have to retake the year which he wasn't happy about.
We had almost broke up previously to this because he got kicked out of the union for starting a fight after an argument with me, but this was what did it for me. The whole time this situation was attempting to be sorted out which was about two months he blamed everybody else and took no responsibility for what he had done. Nothing was his fault, it was all someone else's fault. I ended up having this internal dialogue of "Is this my life? Am I going to be with him forever?" I got scared of ending up being married to him with a few kids and regretting staying with him my whole life.
After many conversations with my mum and my close friends I realised I needed to break up with him and enough was enough. I was too scared to break up with him previously because I thought he may kill me or even kill himself if I did, but I finally plucked up the courage. I had abusive messages off him a couple of times and we ended up blocking each other and haven't really spoken to each other since.
It was only really after breaking up with him and talking to my friends as well as getting into a new relationship that I realised how abusive and horrific the relationship was. I mean, I wasn't perfect in this situation at all, and I will put my hands up to that. But this guy emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. My new partner at the time had to point out the fact that my ex had raped me because I didn't understand what consent was and then it took a while for me to actually be able to say those words. I couldn't label it as that for a while.
What I'm trying to say here is that if you think you're in a relationship that's abusive and has been for a while, get yourself out of there as quickly as you possibly can. If they have promised to change over and over again but haven't, it's not worth it. Take it from someone who has been in an abusive relationship and come out the other side stronger and a better person. You can get away, you just need support from your friends and your family and recognise in yourself that something is not right. Only when you accept it can you truly move on and get your life back on track. I lost a lot of friends because of how much I was isolated in my relationship, I'm only just starting to get back out there and be close with my uni friends. I'm so glad that they've been so understanding and helpful to me in this process. I couldn't have asked for a better support system while going through all of this.
It can be so scary leaving someone, especially when they're mentally unstable and/or abusive, but you can do it! I've managed to and I'm so glad I did. God only knows where I would be right now if I had stuck by him and not broken it off. I'm still so worried about what's going to happen come September when he comes back to uni and I see him for the first time in about nine months, but I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I have an amazing support system at uni so a lot of people are going to be looking out for me next year which will be good.
I've dumbed down a lot of what happened over the course of my 13 month relationship as there was a lot of stuff that I didn't have time to write about, but hopefully this gives you a general overview of what I went through. I'm putting a link after the Facebook video link to a website that helps with abuse, it has some good pages on there and signs to look for if you think you're in an abusive relationship. It's also not gender or sexual orientation specific which I like, as men can be abused as well. It also has some information on sexting, consent, rape and porn and if you're dyslexic like me you'll like it because it's super easy to read.
Stay awesome.
https://www.facebook.com/SOML/videos/892764494201299/?pnref=story
https://www.disrespectnobody.co.uk/
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