Starting Third Year

As some of you know, a few Tuesdays ago I moved back to Carmarthen to start my final year as an Acting student at UWTSD. I don't actually start back until the 3rd October but I am so excited and slightly apprehensive to get started. For the last two years I've looked up to the third years and been amazed at what they created, they've always been something to aspire and work towards and now that's going to be me. I literally cannot believe it. It's like being in Year Six again and feeling quite grown up and almost in charge. I feel like I have this responsibility and knowledge that I've gained from being here and that they're going look up to me to know all about the course and give them the best advice. I feel like I do have a duty to help the lower years. I don't know, maybe that's just me. 

Starting third year is also like an end of an era. I've been going to my last ever Freshers this week and I can't believe I'm not going to be coming back next year. Wales has literally become a second home to me, and my house and housemates are more like family than anything else. It's just weird to think next year I'm going to have to be a proper adult and find a proper job. It reminds me of what we spoke about in Absurd last year, having a feeling of anomie, just feeling completely out of place and confused about what you want to do with life. Yeah, I have a feeling that will be what it's like next year. 

I've just finished having a meeting with the whole of the third year for Performing Arts and I have to say I am so excited to get started. It seems like there is going to be a lot of stress and a lot of hard work, but I think with all the work I've done this summer on focusing on my mental health and working on myself, I should be okay. There will be a few bumps along the way which is fine, but I think I've got this. I think I'm set.

I have also made three new best friends for life in the three Canadian boys that have joined us for the year. Meet, Logan, Sean and Jace, the most amazing three men I've ever met. I've only known them a couple of weeks but I love them so much and have such a connection with them already that I can tell we will always be in touch. Gee and I have been their mini tour guides and have been helping with them settling in and stuff. We took the three of them on a little adventure to Llansteffan which is like a beach and then a cool castle and we had so much fun. They also managed to take some really awesome pictures of me and Gee holding hands looking out over the bay my favourite of which is included in this blog.

We've gone and had hangover McDonalds, we've got so drunk together and just really enjoyed each others company. I think I can speak for me and Gee when I say that we are so glad to have met them. They've literally brightened up my life and I feel so lucky to have met them and have them in my life. I am so incredibly happy when I'm around them and I constantly smile and laugh, which is so amazing. You don't find that very often and I'm so blessed that I did.

It's super exciting because there is going to be so much going on for me in the next year and it's going to go by so fast, but I am so excited to get started. I've already got four plays out from the library which I'm going to read and I'll find out which touring show I will be in next Friday.

I'm going to apologise in advance because my blogs will probably be a lot less this year, I think what I'm going to do instead is do one blog a week while I'm at uni and busy and then I'll do two again when I'm back home. So, I'm looking forward to a new year at uni, and I'm so happy and healthy in my mind. Which is so great, I hope all of you going back to work or to uni are the same. We can do this! I've said to Gee that I want to make this year the best possible year ever, and that's exactly what we're going to do. I hope you guys aim to do the same. 

Stay awesome.

A Look Back On My Summer

So it's safe to say this has been an absolutely insane summer for me. Pretty normal compared to my other friends summers but still insane for me, both in terms of personal life and work life. This being said I thought it would be a good idea to have a look back on this summer before I start my final year of university and think about things I would have done differently or things that I'm really proud of doing this summer. 

Coming into this summer I wanted to steer clear of relationships or dating anyone. I'd just broken up with someone I really cared about, and stopped seeing this guy that I also cared a great deal about but messed it up. I felt like I needed to stop the whole dating scene and focus on myself. Yeah... that didn't go too well. I mean, I only really dated one person who majorly messed me about twice, first by effectively cheating on me with a work colleague and the other by having a massive go at me for no reason. I have tried to close myself off from love as much as possible. There have been people I've really fancied and wanted to go on dates with but I've refrained from doing so. I've been so closed off to love because I was so scared of being hurt again and I kind of just wanted to focus on myself and not worry about what someone else was thinking or doing. It's my first summer in about three years where I have been single so it's been interesting to say the least. I've been happy single though, for the first time in a long time. I have really enjoyed being single. A new miracle for myself which I am actually quite proud of. I guess we'll have to see what happens when I get back but I'm not looking for anything, just seeing how things go as such.

This summer has been an interesting one in terms of work, I found out in the second month of being home that there weren't going to be that many shifts going around at my tutoring job and because of this I needed to get a new job. I looked around at a bunch of different places, applied to a few and the first one that  got back to me was Guildford Spectrum doing a coaching job for a kids club. Perfect for me and I have to say I've really extended my skill set by taking the job. I've been trained in so many different things that I never would have been trained in previously and I feel like I took to the job like a duck to water. It took me a couple of shifts to get into the swing of things but I really enjoyed the time I spent there and the children that I met. I was constantly praised for working so hard and being really good at my job which made me feel awesome. I was so worried beforehand about not fitting in or not doing good enough and I feel like I proved myself wrong and I showed that I could do something brand new and be actually quite good at it as well.

I would say that I massively swamped myself with work though. Especially the last few months of the summer. I ended up working three jobs at one time which was a major strain on me. I would pretty much work a 6-7 day week depending on my schedule. I would come home from one job, either my tutoring job or coaching and then jump straight into my student ambassador job meaning I would work more than 8 hours each day. When I did have time off I was online doing work for the university. I'm not complaining about it at all, this summer has given me an amazing opportunity to grow and develop, but I feel like I did take far too much on and overworked myself to a certain extent. I haven't really had a proper break or a time where I've sat around and done nothing. That's what I'm going to be doing for the first few weeks back at uni before Freshers starts. At least I know I've earned a lot of money and had fun (most of the time) while doing it.

I have been finding it really hard to be back home the last month or so. I feel like I've got a little taste of freedom by living by myself at uni and learning how to look after myself. I feel almost like that all goes away when I come back home and I lose all the freedom and independence that I had while I was in Wales. I hate having to tell my mum where I'm going or what I'm doing, when I'll be back and if I want dinner. I kind of want to just come and go as I please and not worry too much about other people's plans. I try to keep myself to myself and steer clear of everyone as much as I can, but it's not always possible which is annoying. Sometimes I just want my own space but I can't really have it. No one knocks before coming into my room, they just barge in. This summer has made me want to move out more than ever. I feel like it's time for me to be more independent and I can't imagine living with my mum and my brother when I come back after summer. I want to leave as soon as possible.

I have had a really good summer in terms of hanging out with friends and making new ones. I haven't had as much time as I have had previously to hang out with my friends but it means that the time I do manage to hang out and see them is so much more precious. I've narrowed down my friendship group to only those who I really care about and want to see, and I know those friends really care and want to see me too, which is always lush. We all have such different schedules but we manage to fit each other in and I've had such an amazing time hanging out with them this summer.

I go back to uni in a couple of days and I have to say I cannot wait. I'm so ready to have my own space again and get back into studying. I've really missed Wales and all of my acting family. They all mean so much to me and I cannot wait to see them all again. It's been a long time coming.

I would also like to take a moment to remember those who were tragically killed in 9/11. It may be fifteen years on but the victims deaths will never be forgotten, nor will the sacrifices of the emergency services involved in dealing with this tragedy. I was only five when this horrific incident occurred and it is something that has stuck in my memory forever, the whispers of the teachers in schools, the gasps and hands over their mouths. We are still at war with terror and who knows if we will ever win, but those people who lost their lives will never be forgotten.

Stay awesome. 

My Struggle With My Body Image

I have written a few blogs about body image and being more accepting of all body types as long as you're healthy and happy. I haven't really discussed in great detail the struggle I've had with my body image and the things that I've gone through in order to gain what I thought was perfection. Now, I'm going to preface this with the fact that I've never had an eating disorder and I'm not claiming to, I do however have a touch of body dysmorphia which pretty much everyone has. Body dysmorphia is linked to anxiety and causes you to have a really distorted view of yourself and your body. It effects people in a lot of different ways and in my case it effects how I see my weight and size of my body. Everyone suffers with it to a certain degree, but in some cases it's more extreme than others. Mine isn't so bad that it effects my life day to day, but it does make me have a very negative view of myself.

I guess it's important to start right at the beginning. I was a fat baby. I was one of those babies that had rings around their arms and legs because I was so chubby. It was nothing to do with what my mum fed me or anything like that, I was just super chubby. My family have always called me the Michelin Man baby, which probably has had some affect on how I see myself now. When I was in primary school, I did notice that other girls were thinner than me and my legs were bigger, but it wasn't something I majorly thought about and worried about. I knew I was larger than most of the girls in my class, but I wouldn't say I was overweight, I was just conscious of my size, but not to the point I wanted to change anything about it. 

The turning point for me was in secondary school. I think everyone has this moment if they don't quite fit in, that you realise so many other girls are prettier and thinner than you, and these girls are the ones who are popular and getting all the attention from the boys. I wasn't one of those girls. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable. My only solace was that I was in the higher set in PE so I felt like I was above some other people in terms of fitness. I was a lot thinner than I am right now because of the amount of exercise I did per week. I really started to obsess over my weight and how I looked during year 10-11.

I started dating this boy who was a lot thinner than me and I felt like I was the fat one in the relationship. This was also when my problems with depression really snuck up on me and I wanted to be thinner. It wasn't that I had an eating disorder because I was never diagnosed with one, but I did really limit my food intake and sometimes didn't really eat at all. I wanted to be thinner and wanted him to fancy me when we broke up. I have this one particular picture of me in a white dress with my friend Laura when I was in year 11. I may not look traditionally thin in it, but for me... I was at a dangerous level of weight and if I carried on losing it, there would have been a real problem in terms of my health. Looking at it now, I know how thin I was for me, I didn't really have my curves that I usually had, my legs were so much thinner than usual, and my collar bones were so prominent. Again, I wasn't at a stage where it was unhealthy for me, but I did have bad eating habits and intentionally didn't eat because I felt like I shouldn't.

I remember being on holiday with my friends in Padstow for our end of Year 11 trip and feeling like I was so much bigger than all of them. It was the first time I ever felt comfortable to wear a bikini, before that I had always worn a swimming costume because I felt like I was far too fat for anything else. I still felt a little like a beached whale whenever I was around my friends but I did have that tiny bit of confidence to actually wear it. I remember a picture being taken of me and Laura in our bikini and put up on Facebook. I was so worried that people would look at it and think I looked like a killer whale or an elephant.  Now I couldn't really give a damn about if I was too fat to wear anything or what other people think of my body.

I feel like as my depression improved, so did my relationship with food. I was far more comfortable to eat full meals and not worry too much about what I was putting in my body. I still knew I was bigger than most people but nothing too bad that I didn't like myself. Sixth Form for me was a time when I was actually really happy with my size. I didn't feel too heavy or like I needed to lose a lot of weight. I felt content in where I was with my body, I felt so much more comfortable to wear tight fitting clothing and show off my curves. I feel like Sixth Form was a really good place for me in terms of my feelings towards my body.

However, when I got to uni I really developed an unhealthy relationship with food and gained three whole stone. I think it was partly down to me being in a relationship and him being a massive eater that this happened. We would eat McDonalds every Sunday for dinner, eat Dominos at least once and week and we would also eat such bad food and I would barely exercise. What made me realise I needed to change was that I no longer fit into size 12 jeans anymore, I had to wear size 14 or 16. Which for me, was something I never wanted, I've always been a 12-10, and in my smaller times 10-8 so the idea that I had gained so much weight and was so unhealthy really hit me hard. It made me kick myself back into gear and lose the unhealthy weight I gained through bad eating.

I went on a diet called the 5/2 diet and began to detox. I managed to lose a stone in a month due to the 5/2 and doing a tea detox called Bootea. I think the 5/2 really contributed to my weight loss, but it was so unhealthy for me. Basically two times a week I would only eat 500 calories, which is insane! And although it really helped me drop the pounds it is not something I would EVER recommend. Only eating 500 calories a day is not healthy at all, yeah it helped me lose weight but I would get so lightheaded because I hadn't eaten anything. I remember going shopping with my friends and feeling like I was going to faint so I went home and had literally something so small and stupid. I think it was a fat free yogurt which was like 60 calories.  The Bootea stuff is something I would recommend as long as you eat a really healthy diet while you're doing it and detox from all the bad stuff you can eat. I've done three detoxes and I will be doing another one after Freshers fortnight at uni. I actually really enjoy doing them and think the tea tastes really good. It's just a shame how much you do need to go to the toilet when you're on it.

So, here I am now, about to start my third year of university. My body confidence has probably been the highest it ever has been and that's why I'm going to do something I didn't think I would ever do. I do think it shows how far I've come and how willing I am to be open and honest about my body struggles. If you like don't underwear then click away now, but to me, I'm just wearing a bikini so it doesn't really bother me that I'm doing this. Here are two pictures of me, today, in my underwear. I'm not breathing in, I'm not trying to hide my wobbly bits or the fact that my stomach isn't flat I'm just showing you what I look like au naturel. I literally took these this morning as soon as I got up, please excuse the fact that my bra and pants don't match.

 So for me, I so still have a bit of a way to go to lose all the weight I wanted to, and over the Summer I have put on a bit of weight that I'm going to asses when I get back to uni. When I started trying to lose weight and be healthy at the start of second year I weighed 12st and 3lbs. The last time I weight myself, I was 9st 6lbs, so I've lost nearly 3st. However, I probably have put back on about half a stone so I have one stone left until I reach my goal weight and where I feel my body is at it's healthiest.











I have really struggled over the years with my body image and my weight, I feel like now I'm in such a good place with it all and I feel so confident within myself. I am not super thin, like I wanted to be when I was 15, I feel like I am curvy, and I do have lumps and bumps as well as a lot of bits the wiggle and jiggle. but I am healthy. I eat well, I don't binge or prevent myself from eating. I'm more at peace with my weight and with my body shape. My Nan has said to me for a long time that the sooner you love your body the happier you will be and that's completely true. There are still days where I look in the mirror and I'm not happy, but those days are few and far between. So for now, I'm happy. I still have a little way to go, but for now, this is me, and this is where I'm happy.

Stay awesome. 

Overcoming Anxiety

I overcame one of my massive problems with anxiety the other day and I thought I should write a little blog post on how I did it, some of the techniques I used to calm my anxiety and and tips and tricks I would recommend to anyone in trying to overcome an anxiety they are suffering with.

This anxiety thing is a little weird at first, but hear me out, I am terrified and so anxious to go to the optician. I've always been quite anxious to go to any sort of appointment, mainly because I'm quite scared of getting a man doing whatever it is that I'm going for the appointment for. But the last time I went to the optician was when I was about 15 in 2011, so almost five years ago and I literally had the worst appointment ever.

I went to a Vision Express in the local town where I used to get counselling from and I got a man doing my eye test. My anxiety was already not doing and then came the actual test. I had an older man doing it which already made me feel super uncomfortable and hating my life. He just seemed so bored and didn't really show any interest, he didn't make me feel welcome or comfortable at all. It was literally the worst experience I've had with this sort of thing. He switched the lenses so quickly that I had no idea which one was better for my eyes and I didn't feel able to speak up about it in case he got angry at me. So I just guessed which one was better as I literally had no idea, and then he must have done the same one twice and I gave him two different answers so what did he do? He shouted at me and called me a liar who only wanted to get glasses. So I burst into tears and literally ran out of the room. Possibly my worst experience ever when it comes to having appointments.

So for the last five years I've been putting off going to the opticians even though I know I really should. Over the last few years I've noticed that my eyesight has got progressively worse, I knew I needed glasses but was far too scared to actually go and get my eyes tested because of my previous experience. I also was far too nervous to go into the shop and book an appointment and so I'd gone a least a couple of years knowing there was something wrong with my eyesight and not doing anything about it due to my anxiety. I would be driving and couldn't see the signs very well or I would walk down a street and not be able to properly see people's faces. I knew there was something wrong that needed to be fixed but I literally could not overcome the anxiety created from my last appointment.

I attempted to go twice before my mum finally booked me an appointment in a Specsavers near where I work and let me just tell you, I was a complete bag of nerves. There was this man there that I was terrified of, he seemed to be consulting people on what glasses to get and I hoped and prayed I wouldn't get him. I had my initial test where you look at a balloon and they take a picture of your eye which was done by a man, which I wasn't too freaked out about. Then came time for the second test, a woman called me into the room and I immediately felt so much more comfortable. She just had this really warm aurora about her and was very friendly and chatty. The complete opposite of the guy that I saw last time.

She just made me feel super comfortable and when I was unsure of something she would ask if I would like to have a look at it again and would do it until I was sure. I couldn't have asked for a better experience with it all. After the half an hour test she told me I did need glasses. Shock, horror, well, I knew I needed them anyway. I'm just glad she realised that too. I have a very mild prescription but it's nice to know that my worries about my eyesight were justified and not just me being super worried and anxious about it all.

But anyway, I've had my glasses for about two weeks now and I'm so much happier now that I can see properly. I mainly wear them for driving and work, I try not to wear them all the time as I don't really need to, but I think they suit me.

If I hadn't had got over this massive fear I had about going to the opticians I wouldn't be able to see as well as I do now. I know my mum pushed me into doing it but I really did need to go. Sometimes we have to really step out of our comfort zone and over come the anxiety we feel from certain things. I'm so glad that now I can go back to the opticians and feel so much more comfortable. Now I do have glasses I need to go get my eyes checked every year, which is something I'll be able to do now. I'll still need a little push but it's nice to know that it's something else I can cross of that I'm not as anxious about. It's literally the most amazing feeling ever.

I would say to anyone who wants to overcome something is to BREATHE. I found that I held my breath a lot to start off with and that's what started my anxiety off but when I breathed properly it all seemed so much easier. I also had some play-doh in my pocket to play with and mould when I felt nervous which really helped me. I guess it's finding what works best for you and going with it. If I can do it, I know you guys can!

Stay awesome.  

The Importance of Colouring

I thought I would start of with an apology, I'm so sorry that I didn't post a blog on Wednesday. I was feeling quite overwhelmed and stressed because I have been working myself so hard, so I took a day out to look after myself and my mental health. I felt like writing and editing a blog would push me over the edge of my anxiety which is why it wasn't posted. I have this Wednesday's blog planned so hopefully that will be up on Wednesday but for now lets get into this blog and the importance of colouring. 

I wrote a blog post on what I was putting in my crisis box around April time and something I put in there has been helping me massive amounts. For those who haven't read that blog, a crisis box is a box filled with things that will de-stress you, cheer you up and help you distract from any emotional distress that you're feeling at that current moment in time. It gives you a place to go when you are having a crisis and helps you deal with it, hopefully preventing you from harming yourself or having a panic attack or whatever. 

In my crisis box I put two colouring books, I hadn't coloured properly since I was in primary school. I colour with the kids at work sometimes but it's not really the same as having your own colouring book that you use to de-stress you. The first colouring book I put in was a mindfulness colouring book and then the other one was an animal one. I'll put the links of the colouring books on Amazon at the end of this blog so you can see them and purchase them if you want to. When I put them in I didn't really think I would use them at all, colouring isn't really my thing and I didn't get really excited when the hype of adult colouring books happened. I just thought they'd be in there and I would use them occasionally, and I did over the course of the last term of uni. I found myself playing with other things in my crisis box and I really only coloured one page in my mindfulness colouring book over the course of a couple of months.

However, since being home and literally being so busy I've found myself using colouring to calm myself down even more. After a long day at work, or working a 15 hour day I love cuddling up in bed with my colouring book and having a Disney film on in the background. It helps me unwind so much and allows me to feel completely stress free. I never thought it would be something that I would want to do or enjoy doing but I find it so satisfying experimenting with colour and finishing off a colouring page. I like too turn the dull white into something bright and full of colour, it's just so satisfying looking at where you started to where you came. And you literally can choose any colour you want, there is no right or wrong answer which is something I really, really love. 

I really find it hard to unwind and switch off. When I'm not doing work I feel like I'm being unproductive or lazy, I feel like I have to be doing something 24/7 and so using the colouring books helped me with the ability to switch off and realise it's okay to take a break every so often. 

Don't take my word for it though, there's actually been a load of research into colouring and the benefits of it in adults, not just in children so I thought I would share a few of them with you. I find this sort of stuff fascinating so thought I might as well include it. Colouring helps you brain to focus because of course, making sure you stay in the lines takes a lot of focus, but not so much that it causes stress in the brain, it allows you to forget your worries, and colouring trains you to put all the negative stuff aside and focus on just colouring for the time you spend doing it. Colouring also allows the fear part of your brain to relax, which in turn relaxes you. Colouring is almost like meditating and it can help you retrain your brain to react less harshly to stress when it does occur in your life. So there is just a few examples of why colouring can really help with de-stressing and making you less anxious in life. 

I've really been focusing in on doing colouring over the last few weeks and I try to schedule at least half an hour of colouring in a day, usually in the evening after I've finished all my work. I can honestly say that it's completely helped me with my anxiety and stress levels. So if you're umming and ahhing about starting colouring and you weren't entirely sure about the benefits, just do it! Honestly, it was the best decision I ever made to incoroperate colouring into my life and I don't regret spending a couple of quid on these books and some colouring pencils. It's totally worth it when I feel so calm and clear headed. 

Stay awesome. 

Mindfulness Colouring Book

Animal Colouring Book 

A Family Visit

So this is a different blog post than I would normally write, this one is a bit more diary like with some insights and thoughts about different things that happened during this day. But I had a really awesome time with my Nan and I wanted to write about it. I took her to see my Uncle Mark's grave and some of the stuff that happened in that time really have a profound effect on me and I wanted to share it with you as well.

I've mentioned in my previous FAQ blog that my Nan is one of the most inspirational women in my life and that's because she is so amazing. She's been through hell and back and is still such a strong woman who still gives all the love she can to everyone. One of the things she had to go through is losing her son. 

My Uncle committed suicide at the age of 27, 29 years ago. I never knew him, I only know him through my family. I don't know the exact details surrounding his death and what pushed him to take his own life, I just know that one day he couldn't take it anymore. It's always been a little weird for me because my whole life my Uncle has been referred to, my cousin Mark is even named after him but I obviously never had the chance to meet him or his two sons, Darren and Stephen. My Nan always told me how troubled he was as a boy and how it carried on into his adulthood and eventually lead to his death. Whenever he's mentioned I can see the hurt in my Nan's eyes and in her voice when she talks about him. She had to bury her son, he died before his time and it's something she will never get over. I wish I could take away the pain but I can't. Mark was her son and no one could save him. It's a tragedy really. 

Anyway, it's coming up to his birthday this month, I believe he would his 56th birthday if he was still alive. At Christmas and his birthday my Nan and Aunt, Karen, like to go to his grave to pay their respects and put new fabric flowers down on his grave. I've never been before and my Nan asked me to take her and Karen down to do this. They only go a couple of times because the taxi down there is so expensive for them both. I was a bit nervous at first because obviously I've never been and I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if my Nan would cry or if the cemetery would be very morbid and depressing, what happened there was not something I ever thought would happen.

Mark's grave is in Aylesham on top of a massive hill, kinda in the middle of no where. We walked around to his grave and to get to his actual stone we had to walk on some grass. My Nan recently had a nasty fall so she's really quite worried about falling over again, so she asked to hold my hand for support. I haven't held my Nan's hand like that in around 15 years. We hug and we kiss and stuff like that but I haven't held her hand like that in such a long time. It really struck me how comfortable and natural it felt. I haven't really held a family members hand like that for ages, I've held boyfriends and friends hands like that but not a relative. I just couldn't help notice the difference between holding her hand versus holding a boyfriend or friends hand. I felt so incredibly safe and I became quite overwhelmed with emotion.

The feeling of holding my Nan's hand is something that I can hardly describe, but I felt so safe and as though nothing could ever hurt me. It was so wonderful to be able to do it when I am 20 and not a kid. I feel like I appreciated the closeness and intimacy of it a lot more than I ever have done before. I felt almost like I had taken those times that I held her hand for granted when I was a child. My Nan means the world to me and to be able to hold her hands again like I was a kid felt so amazing. I've held kids hands at work and lead them around so I know what it's like to be the safety figure and the comfort for them but for me to go back into the role of a child and feel the comfort from my Nan was incredible. It was so special and I will never ever forget that feeling. It made me wonder when I decided as a child that I no longer needed to hold her hand or when I felt I was too cool to. As a grandparent and a mother you have to let your kids and grand-kids go almost with the whole holding hand thing is something that interested me. Knowing that you may never hold their hand again like that, I really wonder how that feels from that perspective. I guess I'll find out when I become a parent myself.

We got to my Uncle's grave and I just stood there with my Nan while Karen sorted out the flowers and cleaned the grave stone. I had to hold back the tears. I have never seen my Nan more quiet and sad in my life. She kissed her hand and placed it on the top of the grave then whispered "I'll always love you and never forget you". We only stayed there for about ten minutes before looking around the cemetery but I became just... overwhelmed I guess with all this emotion from holding my Nan's hand and then seeing her so broken and hurt still 29 years on from her sons death. The writing on his grave was beautiful too, I can't remember exactly what it said but it was along the lines of not being able to say goodbye and wishing they were there to hold him with his last breath. It was such a beautiful quote and I wish I could remember it, but I thought it wasn't appropriate to take my phone out and write it down or take a picture of the grave stone.

This visit to the cemetery just made me think so much about things, suicide in particular. There were several times in my life a few years ago, where I tried to end my own life, unsuccessfully, of course. That could have been my mother in 29 years time coming to my grave to place flowers for my birthday. It was 29 years ago and my Nan is still hurting and heartbroken over it all. When you do something as drastic as taking your own life you don't see the path of despair and destruction you leave behind you. It's a very selfish act, and it's so sad that people get to that stage, I know what it's like to be at that stage and you are thinking of no one but yourself. You just want to be free of the torture you are suffering. The one huge thing I took from it was that I was never, ever going to let my Mum go through what my Nan has to go through every single day. My Nan always tells me that she always wonders what life would be like if Mark were still alive and she always misses him. I can't imagine the pain she goes through and I don't want to ever make my mother feel the pain of losing her only daughter.

A bit of a morbid and sad one today I'm afraid, but this small visit had such an effect on me that I just had to talk about it. I probably didn't talk about it in the most coherent way and didn't get everything that I wanted to get out, out, but I said it in the best way I could and I hope you guys get the general gist of what I'm trying to say.

Stay awesome. 

Question and Answer!

If you saw my little note about my blog a few weeks ago you'll know that I asked you guys to send me in some questions for me to answer about my experiences with mental health and anything about me that you want to know! So thank you very much to everyone who asked me questions, there was quite a lot of overlap but here are my answers!

When did you first start to show signs of mental health problems?

Literally from being a baby. I mentioned in my second ever blog post about my anxiety around strangers who are men and this is something that I had forever. My mum always told me that I would cry around strange men and if men held me in particular. It's carried on with me ever since then and I still do have this issue about speaking to men who are strangers and trusting men over women. That's when I first showed any signs of anxiety. Signs of depression came when I was in Year Four, so when I was around seven years old. I had special measures put into place for me at school because sometimes I couldn't cope with the work load or I'd cry, I was allowed to have these little mascots on my table which were comforting for me. The depression was triggered most likely through the divorce of my parents.

How many siblings do you have, do they have any mental health problems?

I have two brothers, a step sister and two step brothers. As far as I'm aware neither of my brothers have any mental health issues. I know my eldest brother has had issues with food before, but really my step sister has the mental health issues. She suffered from an eating disorder and was a prolific self harmer, I haven't spoken to her properly in a long time as she doesn't get on with my step mum so I don't really know how she's doing right now. 

Are you embarrassed about your scars?

Yes. Very. I'm not as embarrassed as I use to be, I use to cover up every part of my body that contained scars that I inflicted on myself, but now I have the confidence to wear shorts or short sleeved tops without being too worried about what people think. The time that I am embarrassed about them the most is when I'm with a new sexual partner. I have words like slut, bitch, whore, fat and die scarred on my legs and it can very often freak them out a little even if they know about my past. I do often worry about how I would tell my kids, if I ever had any, about how and why I got them.

When was the last time you self harmed?

The last time I self harmed was on 28th May, I did a few little cuts and one huge gash on my leg that needed to be stitched up. Joyous times.

Are you in a relationship?

No, I'm not. I don't intend to be for a while. I was seeing someone for a little bit and it didn't exactly go well and I think I just need to take a break from dating and focus on myself.

Who do you look up to the most?

It's got to be my Nan. She is the strongest woman I know and the woman I respect most besides my mother. She's been through a hell of a lot in life and still manages to keep her head up and love us all. She's my last surviving grandparents and I could literally tell her anything. She's so open minded and kind. I hope to be as awesome a mother and grandmother as she is one day.

When was the last time you cried?

This morning because I put the new The 1975 album on to get ready before work and Nana came on and it reminds me of my Nan so I cried like a baby. Sad, but true. Listen to this song! It's so beautiful.

Why did you dye your hair red/When did you dye it red?

The first time I dyed it red was in Feb of 2011 so over five years ago, and I dyed it because I thought it would be cool. I also wanted to look a little like my favourite video game character, Kairi from Kingdom Hearts. Dorky but I don't care, I like the colour for itself now and feel like it suits me so I doubt I would change it anytime soon.

What's the hardest thing you've had to do?

This is a tricky one, but I think breaking up with my boyfriend of over a year, who was abusive towards me. It had been a long time coming and looking back I probably didn't pick the best day to do it. But at the time I just sort of came to the end of my tether and so felt like I had to. I broke up with him the day before we were meant to go out for his one year anniversary present to me, which was to go and see The Lion King in the West End. The reason why this was so hard for me to do was because I had wanted to do it for a long time but felt like I couldn't because of how mentally unstable he was. There were times where I honestly thought he was going to kill me or something like that so I thought if I broke up with him he would do something stupid to either himself or to me. I also wasn't truly prepared to let go of the future we planned together even if I felt like I was trapped. I was scared of being alone and that's probably why I stayed with him as long as I did.

How is your crisis box going?

It's going great! I'm finding having things in there with certain smells is really helping me, especially vanilla smells. I don't know why, but it has helped. I still colour a little now and then, and putting little sweets and stuff in there also really helps me. I also have things that I can use my hands to play with and those are helpful when I want to self harm or whatever. I really recommend making one.

Will you ever make YouTube videos?

I have seriously been considering this for a long time. I've wanted to make videos for ages but have never had to courage to do so. This is like the first step for me in going to do that. I'm still considering it, I would love to but I'm not sure anyone would actually watch my videos.

What video games are you playing right now?

The only thing I'm really playing is Pokemon Go, which I wouldn't really say is a video game. I don't really have time to play the things I use to on actual consoles. But I'm proud of my level 22 on Pokemon Go. I feel like I'm doing pretty well.

What songs can you not stop listening to?

Any songs from The 1975. For a while I couldn't listen to them because they really reminded me of my last ex, but now they don't at all and both of us are happy and have moved on. Which is really awesome and I'm genuinely happy for him. No ill will towards him at all. I was bitter for quite a while but that's all gone now and I wish him every happiness. So I'm now able to listen to my favourite band again. I also have a happy playlist which I like to listen to every so often. All of the songs in my top ten feel good songs blog feature in it.

Okay, I think that's all the questions I'm going to answer for today guys! Thank you so much for sending in your questions and I'm sorry I didn't get through them all. I'll probably do another Q&A in a few months time, but I hope this gives you all a little bit more of an insight into me.

Stay awesome.